Doug Murphy Quotes
You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Like right now, I'm looking for something and I know I came to the vending machine... And then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here... And yep, there you are. (He looks down to reveal a body bag propped up against the vending machine) As soon as you take your eyes off 'em, you lose 'em. They're like children. Big, dead children.
J.D.: Your hero Keith here, forgot to check the blood levels on Mr. Joy this morning and guess what? He's dead. Way to go, Keith.
Keith: I've never even seen this guy before.
J.D.: Oh! Way to get to know your patients there, murderer.
Doug: There's Mr. Joy. J.D., did you steal him from the morgue?
J.D.: I left a note on the decapitated guy's stump that I'd have him back by 2. It's 1:45!
Sorry I'm late. I got the keys to my Miata stuck in the cadaver.
(Doug enters the elevator with a body bag)
J.D.: (In body bag) Can you press lobby, please?
(Doug freaks out and starts hitting J.D. with a fire extinguisher)
J.D.: Doug! Stop hitting me!
(J.D. gets out of the body bag)
J.D.: Doug! Why were you hitting me?
Doug: I thought you were a dead guy coming back to life.
J.D.: Then why were you hitting me!?
Doug: Dead people should be dead!
J.D.'s narration: After four years, I know the hospital so well I can sneak in a little nap-walk before rounds. Two quick steps to the left to avoid overly ambitious orderly... Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again...
Doug: The man's dead, J.D. Show some respect.
J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients!
Doug: It's a slow day in the morgue.. nothing's written in stone!
J.D.: You wrote a Time of Death!
Doug: I wrote 1-ish!
Dr. Cox: There's a, uh, triathlon tomorrow. Thing One and Thing Two have been training vigorously for it.
Doug: We're working on our drafting technique!
Dr. Cox: If your goal is to repel all women on the planet, then it's definitely working.
J.D.: Why is everybody wearing wetsuits?
Doug: This water's like forty-nine degrees, dumb-dumb!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, I'd have more sympathy if this were the first time you broke both your feet working in the morgue.
Doug: Sir, it's like those corpses are out to get me!
Dr. Kelso: Heh! If only.
Janitor: Aaaand finished. I remember the bordello being a little bit bigger and there were probably a few more prostitutes, but maybe I just remember it that way 'cause I was a kid - it was my twelfth birthday. I asked for a bike. I got a 48-year-old whore.
Doug: It's beautiful. It's almost a shame I get these casts off in a week.
Janitor: A month.
Doug: A what?
Janitor: Yeah, I worked too hard on this - you can take 'em off in a month.
Doug: I'll call my orthopedist.
Dr. Cox: Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing you're the biggest, smartest bad-ass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You wanna see how you end up if you don't believe that?
Doug is on the floor of the morgue, trapped under a corpse.
Doug: I don't know how it happened again, but it did!
Todd: So once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's
basically just a waiting game.
Doug: And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos.