You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Like right now, I'm looking for something and I know I came to the vending machine... And then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here... And yep, there you are. (He looks down to reveal a body bag propped up against the vending machine) As soon as you take your eyes off 'em, you lose 'em. They're like children. Big, dead children.

J.D.: Your hero Keith here, forgot to check the blood levels on Mr. Joy this morning and guess what? He's dead. Way to go, Keith.
Keith: I've never even seen this guy before.
J.D.: Oh! Way to get to know your patients there, murderer.
Doug: There's Mr. Joy. J.D., did you steal him from the morgue?
J.D.: I left a note on the decapitated guy's stump that I'd have him back by 2. It's 1:45!

Sorry I'm late. I got the keys to my Miata stuck in the cadaver.

(Doug enters the elevator with a body bag)
J.D.: (In body bag) Can you press lobby, please?
(Doug freaks out and starts hitting J.D. with a fire extinguisher)
J.D.: Doug! Stop hitting me!
(J.D. gets out of the body bag)
J.D.: Doug! Why were you hitting me?
Doug: I thought you were a dead guy coming back to life.
J.D.: Then why were you hitting me!?
Doug: Dead people should be dead!

J.D.'s narration: After four years, I know the hospital so well I can sneak in a little nap-walk before rounds. Two quick steps to the left to avoid overly ambitious orderly... Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again...
Doug: The man's dead, J.D. Show some respect.

J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients!
Doug: It's a slow day in the morgue.. nothing's written in stone!
J.D.: You wrote a Time of Death!
Doug: I wrote 1-ish!

Dr. Cox: There's a, uh, triathlon tomorrow. Thing One and Thing Two have been training vigorously for it.
Doug: We're working on our drafting technique!
Dr. Cox: If your goal is to repel all women on the planet, then it's definitely working.

J.D.: Why is everybody wearing wetsuits?
Doug: This water's like forty-nine degrees, dumb-dumb!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, I'd have more sympathy if this were the first time you broke both your feet working in the morgue.
Doug: Sir, it's like those corpses are out to get me!
Dr. Kelso: Heh! If only.

Janitor: Aaaand finished. I remember the bordello being a little bit bigger and there were probably a few more prostitutes, but maybe I just remember it that way 'cause I was a kid - it was my twelfth birthday. I asked for a bike. I got a 48-year-old whore.
Doug: It's beautiful. It's almost a shame I get these casts off in a week.
Janitor: A month.
Doug: A what?
Janitor: Yeah, I worked too hard on this - you can take 'em off in a month.
Doug: I'll call my orthopedist.

Dr. Cox: Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing you're the biggest, smartest bad-ass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You wanna see how you end up if you don't believe that?
Doug is on the floor of the morgue, trapped under a corpse.
Doug: I don't know how it happened again, but it did!

Todd: So once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's
basically just a waiting game.
Doug: And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos.

Scrubs Quotes

Oh, would you turn off the lights? The baby doesn't know I'm here. Doesn't matter. Likes the nanny better than me anyway.

Jordan

Lucy: You've never been to Maine and you were college roommates with Michael Bolton.
Cox: Yes and the latter fuels most of my anger.