Ted: What's a "Buckland"?
Dr. Cox: It is a predominately hairless growth that is never found on women.
Ted: Weird.
Dr. Cox: It's your last name Ted.
Ted: Good one!

Dr. Cox: Since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims deciphered for the medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech, I was shooting for five?
Ted: Only three unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult but my mom calls me that and she loves me, right?
Dr. Cox: No Ted, she hates you. Four. Since Ted has no life and that is five.

Jordan: What's going on?
Ted: I love you too dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.
Dr. Cox: Ted's on the phone with his mom, so we're taking five.

Ted: Hey Carla, did you hear the lottery's up to a hundred million? If I win that baby it's separate beds for me and my mum!
Carla: Yeah, and you could spend the other 99.999.000 on therapy!

Turk: Sir, I was watching that.
Dr. Kelso: Well, why don't I just tell you what happened: Uncle Phillip gets Webster the dog despite George and Ma'am's objections. It was a good one.

Ted: My band has decided we're only singing songs from classic movies now.
J.D.: Ted, I'm a little busy, ok? (Shows his hands which is filled with blood) Toodles.

Ted: Gather round, people! Dr. Kelso has an announcement to make!
Dr. Kelso: That'll be all, Ted. You can go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Ted: It was my day off.

Ted: Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
Todd: Hey! They have names! (Pointing at each breast): Tina, Marge; Sloppy, and Mr. Snuggles.
Laverne: Sloppy's bigger than Mr. Snuggles.

Dr. Kelso: You're gonna love it here, sport.
Ted: Get out while you still can.
Keith: Uh...
Ted: Seriously, get out while you still can.

Dr. Kelso: Welcome aboard! This will be your office for the next few days! Ted, find someplace else to work.
Ted: Aw, man! Not again!

Dr. Kelso: No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway.
Ted: Three-twelve times four-eighty-one equals... Sir, it's not giving me the answer!
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass!

Ted: If you need some happy pills, they're in the top drawer.
Jordan: In this hell-hole, I'll need a gun!
Ted: Bottom left.

Scrubs Quotes

Oh, would you turn off the lights? The baby doesn't know I'm here. Doesn't matter. Likes the nanny better than me anyway.

Jordan

Lucy: You've never been to Maine and you were college roommates with Michael Bolton.
Cox: Yes and the latter fuels most of my anger.