Peter: Alright, lets dope her up good -- get that mouth off her.
Cleveland: No Peter! The problem is you!

Lois: Oh I'm not doing anything special, just sitting here with the baby.
Stewie: Screw you too.

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Chris: It's made of skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home?
Lois: Yeah, I'd like that.

Chris: Hey Heather I made your favorite cookies, now I want to hear about your day.
Peter: Hey Lois I heard Katherine Heigl likes to french kiss.
Lois: Oh my god, Chris treats that pile of junk better than Peter treats me!

Lois: I thought you said you'd take care of it!
Peter: I did. He slept with it, now he'll slowly grow to hate it for the next 20 years.

You shouldn't have to do porn to feel appreciated.

Lois: Is that what you really thoguht?
Peter: I did, I really did.

Chris: Mom, is dad gonna die?
Lois: Well Brian's the one with the brain tumor.

Lois: Doctor, do you think the brain tumor could have anything to do with Brian's recent behavior?
Doctor: Hmm, I haven't heard of brains being linked to behavior, but I suppose anything's possible.

Lois: Peter, we gotta go talk to Donna.
Peter: Alright, but you need to cool down first, Lois. Find a way to channel your anger. What I do is throw a shot put into a crowd and make it look like an accident.

Peter: I'm having an affair.
Lois: That's ridiculous.
Peter: It's not ridiculous, it's Cybill Shepherd. She's attainable for a guy like me now.

Family Guy Quotes

Aunt Margarite [on her video will]: Lois, you were always my favorite niece; I just knew you would find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong.
Peter: And now you're dead. Score one for Peter

But now that you mention it, your face looks like a used condom.

Quagmire