South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralMr. Garrison Quotes
Mr. Mackey: Now Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah except for me, I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.
Filmore: If I'm elected class president, I will call for better chairs. And, on Fridays, I'll add two minutes to nap time.
Garrison: Very enthralling. Ok, Ike. How about you?
Ike: Cookie Monster! Ice.
Mr. Garrison: (Looks outside the classroom window) What the hell is that? Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge, bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door!
(Rosie o'Donnell enters the room)
Rosie O'Donnell: Hello, kids!
Mr. Garrison: You can't have an election with just one person running, what's the fun in that? Ike, how about you? You're a genius.
(Ike looks at the others glaring at him)
Ike: No.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, our next nominee is Ike the Genius.
I'm gay! I'm gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
Sheila: Mr. Garrison! You're a Klan member?
Mr. Garrison: No! No, but Mr. Hat is.
I'm sorry Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist bastard.
"Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana lips, her knees went weak. Slowly, he pulled her top down exposing her soft, unyielding breasts." Oh, yeah! Now this is getting good! "Just the
</i> Mr. Garrison
sight of those breasts made Reginald's penis very hard. His penis was of considerable size, and now beads of sweat ran slowly down his penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer fresh from out of the pool. It was a fantastic penis that seemed as strong as a horse's leg, yet as delecate as a flower wrapped in silk. What a grand, grand penis! Diana's nipples..." Uh, let's see! "Diana's nipples..." OH, WRITER'S BLOCK! WRITER'S BLOCK! Hm! CRAP! I'm stuck! Oh, well! Maybe that's enough writing for tonight, Mr. Hat!
Diana ran her hand across Rebecca's stomach. It felt good, like a penis. As Rebecca lay there, she felt as though she were surrounded by penises, a whole forest of them, all just flopping around her and smacking her face, (see Mr. Hat going down off the scene, and, evidently, into Mr. Garrison's pants) OH! OH MR. HAT! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING!
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Mr. Mackey: What do you love most?
Mr. Garrison: Besides teaching?
Mr. Mackey: Yes
Mr. Garrison: Poon tang
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay.
Mr. Garrison: I can't help it. I'm a womanizer sometimes I know but I just think that bringing a woman home and getting some hot poon is about the greatest thing in the world.
Mr. Mackey: Well that settles it Mr. Garrison, what you need to do is go write a great romance novel!
Mr. Garrison: Very well, I suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun.
School Board member: Mr. Garrison, MOST teachers DO NOT carry a gun!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, so I can keep it then?
Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, last week's charges of trying to solicit sex from a minor...
Mr. Garrison: That was not me! That was Mr. Hat!
