I'm not paying 26 bucks for a bottle of frustration!

Malory: Normandy.
Archer: Yeah.
Malory: Omaha Beach by way of North Africa and Sicily. And after Normandy, through France and Belgium all the way to Berlin.
Archer: Well I had to get to Berlin, I sent all my clean shirts ahead.
Malory: Mmhmm. Speak any German?
Archer: You know, "Don't shoot," "I surrender," "Hitler's the tops," stuff like that.

Archer: Whaaaaaat...
Pam: What?!
Archer:....the shiiiit?!?!
Pam: They knew me from work!

Cyril: Come to think of it, Archer, where were YOU last night?
Archer: Ask your wife!
Pam: Awwww, you know his wife left him! For you, Archer, because you screwed her tits off at the precinct cookout! So then she thought the two of you would get married and live happily ever after, but you were like, "Whaaaaaaaat.."
Archer: (stares at Pam)
Pam: Exactly. That face right there.

Krieger: Plus tip.
Archer: How about the tip of my cock.
Kriger: In that scenario, would I take your penis in my hand, in my mouth...
Archer: Asshole. Wait - no, I mean, not - Goddammit!!

Pam: Everything is my business.
Archer: Oh, including white slavery?
Pam: What?
Archer: Those girls are tied up, asshole.
Pam: No they're not, they're just...aww dog dicks.
Archer: Yeah, so...
Pam: Uhhh, wouldn't it be "yellow slavery?"
Archer: (gasps in disbelief) Uh, I don't know, racist!
Pam: White slavery is just as racist!
Archer: WHAT??
Pam: Nooo, you know, if you differentiate between cotton-picking slavery-
Archer: Jesus Christ!
Pam: -and then white slavery then that's-
Archer: SEXUAL slavery, then.
Pam: Okayyyy!
Archer: Goddammit.
Pam: My point is I think we're both anti-slavery.

Archer: Well, so, um, well, you're the, um singer here.
Lana: Wow, and you must be an old gypsy woman.
Archer: Close, I'm a private investigator. I'm doing some work for your boss.
Lana: And apparently doing it with a fresh new take on the word, "private."

Why would you want to work for these Ivy-League white-shoe DC pricks? That's not who we are! We're the outsiders, the scrappy underdogs! We're Delta House, the Dirty Dozen, the Rebel Alliance, the Commitments! We're the Bad News Freakin' Bears, and our Lupus is an openly gay cyborg dying of sepsis in a wheelbarrow!

Slater: Okay Gillette, now just slip it in, nice and easy.
Archer: Ugh. I mean, what about, "that's what she said", can we at least do that?

Lana: Oh, so suddenly you don't have a death wish!
Archer: Lana, I've never had a deathwish, it's just that I don't believe that I personally even can die.

There's enough room in the world for science and miracles.

Dr. Sklodowska: ...we could just ask me, the woman who graduated from Harvard Medical School summa cum laude.
Archer: With a minor in Spanish Bragging.
Dr. Sklodowska: A, that was Latin.
Lana: He knows.

Archer Quotes

KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.

Archer