J.D.: Hi, how are ya? I have a quick legal question. What if, hypothetically-
Ted: Oh, God, you killed somebody!
J.D.: Noooo!
Ted: Someone else did!
J.D.: No, no; no one killed anyone.
Ted: Maimed, mutilated, disfigured...let's not split hairs

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J.D., Ted Buckland
Scrubs Season 1 Episode 3: "My Best Friend's Mistake"
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Scrubs Season 1 Episode 3 Quotes

J.D.'s narration: In my experience, when two friends miss an opportunity like this, you've got exactly 48 hours to get the kiss. Oherwise, one of you will over-think it. Okay, she's gonna over-think it. Then you end up permanently stuck in the Friend Zone.
[J.D. tries to kiss Elliot]
Elliot: I'll see ya.
Sleeping Patient: You're such a girl.

J.D.: So, surgery went okay?
Turk: It was cool.
Turk: Dude, I got to close for the first time ever. Ever. The human body is so disgusting.
Turk [to the patient]: Not yours. Yours is stunning