Caroline: Max, you look so smart in that robe.
Max: Not that smart. I just found out you're supposed to wear clothes under this thing.

I passed! I got a B! Now my grade matches your boobs!


I wasn't as nervous when I rated for the results of a Hep-C test. Then again, I didn't study for that one at all.


You must be Caroline. You look just like the girls Max used to give wedgies to in the cafeteria

Mr. Huck

I started studying last night and on behalf of all white people, I would like to apologize for everything ever.


Caroline: Invade your privacy? You shave your junk with the door open.
Max: So?
Caroline: To the apartment.

In private school, we never bent down to put our mouths on anything unless it had a yacht.


The only thing I ever graduated from was a Scared Straight program, which is why I'm not gay anymore.


Max, I can’t believe it. I screwed me and the horse I rode in on.


Caroline: You sleep in your bra?
Max: I have to. Last time I let them out at night they didn’t come home until 4am and couldn’t tell me where they’d been.

My gambling problem got so bad I couldn’t even afford my drug problem.


You have a coccyx? Want to go out sometime?


2 Broke Girls Season 3 Quotes

Caroline: Well, there’s Nicholas. I was not prepared for this.
Max: Really? Cuz we spent the entire subway ride preparing you for this.

Earl: [Han walks in dressed in large snow suit] Still don’t know where Han is, but the new Bond villain just arrived.
Oleg: Now there’s an even bigger Octopussy in town.