My love life is more depressing than a war-torn Soviet state.


Brian: [Pam] didn't want to have kids. Which is what I love about you. Because if things work out between us, it's like an instant family. I'm an automatic dad.
Billie: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Tha-- that's very sweet. But my situation is a little more complicated than that. I mean, there's Zack.
Brian: Oh, so you're keeping Zack?

Pam: He used to call me his muse. Didn't ya?
Brian: Well, I called you a lot of things. Muse was one of them.

Zack: Look, I know it doesn't look like it, but I'm doing all this because I care about you.
Billie: I know you do, but there has to be a universe where I get to be happy too. Please be happy with me.

(to Zack) Oh, man! You were right about that guy. He's trying to steal your baby. Like a reverse stork.


Billie: What are you doing?
Zack: I'm looking out for you.
Billie: Well, stop it. I have been dating since... oh my God! Since you were in kindergarten.

(to Zack) When I saw that guy kissing your pregnant lady, I got this really sick feeling in my stomach. Kinda like the time I saw my mom skinny-dipping with my Uncle Bob.


Abby: This couch is so dirty, I really feel like I'm having an adventure.
Davis: You should see the bathroom. It's like being in Bangladesh.
Abby: You know, if my sister weren't pregnant, I never would've met you.
Davis: Well, if my best friend hadn't had sex with her, I never would have met you.

Billie: Zack, this is Sully.
Zack: Hey dude!
Sully: Good to know ya'. [points to Billie's belly] I'm a big fan of your work.

Billie: I got to go meet my sister at a bar a few blocks away.
Sully: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Can I walk you there?
Billie: You don't have to do that.
Sully: Oh, come on! What kind of guy would I be if I didn't walk a hot pregnant woman to a bar?

There's all kinds of weird fetishes, like people are into weird costumes or... feet or... monogamy.


Billie: Sully just asked me out. Is it possible that at this stage of my girth where my skin is stretched to the point that it may never snap back that someone could find me attractive?
James: Yeah, it's possible.
Billie: Hah! Thank you.
James: If he's a freak!