Matt the Bat: Get ready for more public humiliation.
Jim: Oh, I was BORN ready for public humiliation. My mother gave birth to me in a Dress Barn. Outlet store! On a break. And after, they had her mop up our mess! So, suck my balls!!

Alright Skydaddy, let's do this thing. Gosh. I haven't been in this position since I was looking for Sandy Duncan's glass eye on the bathroom floor. She wouldn't have sex with me unless we found it, which we never did. We had to settle for a bunch of mouth stuff but this is probably not a great prayer. So, I just don't see any way out of this stupid thing, and I was hopin' that you could show me. I'll wait. [short pause] Still waitin'.

Jim

Jim: Hugh the Human Pooper Scooper was deeply committed to the SCAT lifestyle. He used to actually pay prostitutes to squat over a glass coffee table...
Filmographer: You know Jim, I actually think we're good.
Jim: Wait. I have more.

I heard that entire game. Wow. It was just an endless parade of suffering with no one offering any help. It was like the Flint, Michigan of broadcasts.

Matt the Bat

Look, my career's gonna be over in about 24 hours. For real. So, I need you to just sponsor the shit out of me, Shirley.

Jim

At least with Mormons you get magic underwear and your own planet.

Jim

Jim: I don't have time, Shirley. The Yips are like a missing child. The first 24 hours are everyting. If you don't solve it by then, you might as well start checking dumpsters and ever-expanding concentric circles for what's left of my career!
Jim: Dammit. I thought sobriety was supposed to solve my problems, not invent new ones.
Shirley: Sobriety just reveals the problems you've been avoiding with drugs and alcohol.
Jim: Seriously?
Shirley: Mmm hmm.
Jim: Because I've got about 40 years of problems stacked up here. I can barely get through five seasons of Friday Night Lights.
Shirley: Oh, you should. It's really good.
Jim: After I watch Breakin' Bad.
Shirley: You haven't seen Breaking Bad?
Jim: Don't binge shame me, Shirley. I'm barely hanging on here.

Good thing, too, because that swing was harder to watch than a high school production of Equis.

Jim

Well, I think that went really well after I stopped trying to give the count. It's kind of a fun change of pace for the audience not to know what the balls and strikes were. It's adds a sense of mystery to the proceedings.

Jim

Gabby: Yeah, like what's happening? Did that guy just say the numbers four and Nevin?
Jim: That was a great deal more blunt than it needed to be, wasn't it?

I was just takin' a piss. I always use a stall when I'm in public, otherwise everyone tries to get a peak at the big show. Which I guess makes me a bigger attraction than you in the booth and in the toilet.

Matt

Jim: Jim Brockmire just dominatin' the urinal ice.
Matt the Bat: So the rumors are true. You really do talk to yourself.
Jim: Yeah, but I don't talk to strange men on the toilet. You die alone, you should shit alone.

Brockmire Quotes

Brockmire feelin' the rhythm now. [Masturbation. My best defense against sleepless nights.]

Brockmire

Boy, have I had trouble sleepin' lately. My sober mind just races through all the clarity of the silence.

Brockmire