My mother cried when I was born because she knew that she'd never be better than me.


The crap library. All of the magazines are in the bathroom.


Wait a minute - you're Hitchcocking me?


I am flummoxed! That's a word I learned for this party, and I am it!


Terry: I specifically said "no shorts."
Scully: Sarge, it's not my fault. You said so many things about shorts, I got confused

Here are the rules. No staring at your phone, no rolling in two hours late, no sweatpants, no jeans, no shorts.


I'm fine at parties. I just stand in the middle of the room and don't say anything.


Oh man! All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal.


There's very little street parking, no gifts, no singing of Happy Birthday. Should be fun.


It's probably just an empty white cube with a USB port for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.


Who's Kevin Cozner? Is he the star of "Danzzes with Wolvezz?"


Amy: The greatest thing that could ever happen has just happened.
Jake: The girl who beat you for high school valedictorian died?

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quotes

Amy: Didn't work.
Jake: Ugh, I knew it! I got bum nards!

Amy: Rule number one, let's not tell anyone so we can figure out what this is first.
Jake: Smart. Rule number two, let's not put labels on it. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, we're just...murmzeep and jinglebin.
Amy: Great. Rule number three, let's not have sex right away.
Jake: (pause) Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool, no doubt no doubt no doubt no doubt. Good rule, no sex, good rule.