Sometimes it's important to lie to children.


I think you might be more trouble than you look.


Masturbation is for the poor, the downtrodden, the silent unf-ckables.


Becca: Do you guys mind if I crash here, do some writing? Maybe have a few people over?
Charlie: Whatever you need. I got alcohol, I got pornography, I got Pictionary.

Charlie: I never was the p-ssy eater you were.
Stu: You should have thought about it Charlie. Compensate for your sh-tty hang time and your serious lack of inches.
Charlie: Jesus! F-ck you Stu!
Stu: Sorry, just keeping it real.

Hank: Why are you living beyond your means?
Charlie: It's the only way I know how.

Hank: How'd it go buddy boy?
Charlie: I'm sitting in the dark in my underwear Hank, day drinkin'.
Hank: Got it.

Ken: How was the party last night?
Charlie: Ah well, guys in black leather, the smell of moist ass hair. What's not to like?

I still think you are mean, petty and vindictive, but I'm thinking maybe we should hate f-ck? Get the poison out?


I am the sh-t when it comes to making p-ssies pretty.


Why you wanna rain on my gay parade?


Why would I put some clothes on? This is the way baby Jesus made me.


Californication Quotes

Welcome to the place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will. Your liver never pickles your heart never aches. You can fuck till your dick is cunt-ent.


Nobody likes you. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f--cking douche!

Hank Moody