I have an expensive, worthless art degree that says I know what I'm talking about.


You can never go wrong with a genuine compliment.


You mean the woman whose parents named her after cheese? I like my robots to be more life-like.

Gaby [on Bree]

Really, does it look like I eat cake?


Hi. I'm having a problem with Mike and his male ego. Long story short, can I clog your drain?


Try not to take too long because I miss you already.

Lynette [to Preston]

I pay for the clothes it wears, the massages it receives, and the implants it will one day require. If I don't own it, I'm at least a major stockholder!

Carlos [on Gaby's eggs]

Tom: So, Paris, Prague, Madrid... it sounds like you guys saw everything.
Lynette: But you still haven't told us how you two met.
Preston: Well, uh, the first time I saw Irina was on a beach in Nice.
Irina: It was, uh, how you say in english? The... (she gestures)
Tom: T-topless?
Irina: Yes!
Lynette: Oh, you really did see everything.

Mike: Did you just say Katherine is a leprechaun?
Susan: Lesbian. Katherine is a lesbian.
Mike: Okay. The first one made more sense.
Susan: Apparently, the other night, Katherine and Robin got a little drunk...
Mike: Hold it. Robin?
Susan: Yeah. She's a leprechaun, too.

Think of a world where the toilet seat is never up! This is our time to take them down!


I haven't taken a nap since Juanita crowned.


Tom: How could you forget her birthday?
Lynette: I'm pregnant. I forget pants sometimes.