You can’t do this. We’re a danger to ourselves. We’re a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.

Phil

• Permalink: You can’t do this. We’re a danger to ourselves. We’re a family of fire starters, poison...
• Added: September 24, 2014

A lot of people assumed that I married you for your money and that’s only a very, very small part of it. I married you because you’re sexy. You still are. Who knows how long that’s going to last for either of us?

Gloria

• Permalink: A lot of people assumed that I married you for your money and that’s only a very, very small...
• Added: September 24, 2014

Cam: Hey counselor, what do I have to do to get you to drop that suit?
Mitchell: Cam what are you doing here?
Cam: Surprising my hugs-band!

• Permalink: Surprising my hugs-band!
• Added: September 24, 2014

That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost. I'm telling you this is a Dateline story waiting to happen!

Jay

• Permalink: That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost. I'm telling you this is a Dateline story waiting...
• Added: September 24, 2014

Luke: Move!
Haley: You have plenty of room!
Luke: No, move out. You're 40!

• Permalink: No, move out. You're 40!
• Added: September 24, 2014

Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my Quinceanera.

Gloria

• Permalink: Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my Quinceanera.
• Added: September 24, 2014

Mitchell: There is no easy way to ask this, but are you all high?
Claire: No Mitchell, we're happy.

• Permalink: No Mitchell, we're happy.
• Added: September 24, 2014

Don't get me wrong the Dunphys have some great days, we just have some trouble stringing them all together.

Claire

• Permalink: Don't get me wrong the Dunphys have some great days, we just have some trouble stringing them...
• Added: September 24, 2014

Cam: Oh my God! It feels like we have one mind and one heart.
Mitchell: And one chair.

• Permalink: And one chair.
• Added: September 24, 2014