I've been through this before. When Mitchell was 9, I was supposed to take care of his bird. It got out and flew into a fan. It was like a bloody pillow fight.

Jay

• Permalink: I've been through this before. When Mitchell was 9, I was suppos...
• Added: March 11, 2010

I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old.

Phil

• Permalink: I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old.
• Added: March 11, 2010

Luke: You had a girlfriend before mom?
Phil: I had two!

• Permalink: You had a girlfriend before mom? I had two!
• Added: March 11, 2010

Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met your mom.

Phil

• Permalink: Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met your mom.
• Added: March 11, 2010

Women in their 30s on the internet are like ninjas. They get in their little, black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Claire

• Permalink: Women in their 30s on the internet are like ninjas. They get in ...
• Added: March 11, 2010

Denise: How many other women have you led on?
Phil: I don't know now!

• Permalink: How many other women have you led on? I don't know now!
• Added: March 11, 2010