Haley: How do you still not know you're a babe?
Alex: Well, you did call me a frumpy nerd for twenty years.

Yep, gonna lose a toenail. There goes sandal season!

Phil

Gloria: Manny! How many times have I told you not to call me mom when you're dressed like an old man!
Manny: Including now? Once.

Claire: Oh, how cute. You tried to scare me for Halloween
Phil: How in the world did that not frighten you? Some of this is my actual blood! I knicked myself putting it on.
Claire: Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people. It's all about plausibility. And you were awfully casual for a guy that just got an ax in the chest. You know, if you really wanted to scare me, you should have waited until I opened the closet and found you hanging by a necktie.
Phil: Excuse me! I killed myself?!
Claire: Yeah, totally plausible. I mean, you've been so happy all these years, the other shoe is bound to drop, right?

Hey, I came to see a movie I'd already seen and know where all the jump scares are. Can you tell me where the big ones are in this one?

Phil

Manny: Perhaps this candy bar represents your lost innocence?
Jay: It represents delicious chocolate. Now, you're sure you gave it to a Spider-Man?

Oh my God! Can you adopt a second child to take some of this off me?

Lily

Cam: Mitchell? Judge... Judy!
Mitchell: Your talent. It's like you were touched by a Gayngel.

Don't be silly, Janet. If I were interested in more youthful things, would I be here with you?

Luke

No problem. Do you want to look in another neighborhood or stay right here in HELL!

Phil

She doesn't sound like that.

Jay

Honey, you can't get Pepper pregnant and trap him in a house.

Claire