If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, "Look at these two totally normal roommates. I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face.

Jess

• Permalink: If somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be like, Look at t...
• Added: February 18, 2013

Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

• Permalink: Does it say share stuff in the Constitution of America? No, it d...
• Added: February 18, 2013

Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.

Schmidt

• Permalink: Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.
• Added: February 18, 2013

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

• Permalink: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt? Yeah, s...
• Added: February 18, 2013

I'll be back faster than you can say, "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already."

Winston

• Permalink: I'll be back faster than you can say, Damn, Winston, I took care...
• Added: February 18, 2013

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

• Permalink: Where are your nipples, man? I'll never tell!
• Added: February 18, 2013

I don't know what "mazel tov" means, but it doesn't sound good.

Nick

• Permalink: I don't know what mazel tov means, but it doesn't sound good.
• Added: February 18, 2013

Let the Decider decide! I am not the Suggester!

Nick

• Permalink: Let the Decider decide! I am not the Suggester!
• Added: February 18, 2013