I just found out I hate my mother which is really weird because I love my mother.

Crystal

Jackie: What brings you to the kitchen?
Darlene: I was following a rainbow.

It's not babysitting when they're yours!

I'm gonna give your back a reason to flare up.

Jackie: Is that the hotel?
Dan: No. It's the ham people.

If I was taking handfuls of these pills I'd be in a way better mood. Have you noticed me in a way better mood?

DJ: Do you guys get points on your credit card?
Roseanne: We get threats. Is that the same thing?

Pipe down everyone. Forrest Gump's talking.

Darlene

Roseanne: This is our 45th anniversary and I get to talk.
Dan: She's finally coming out of her shell everybody.

Margarita on the house for the old married couple.

Becky

Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and put your family first.

Dan

I gotta be honest Darlene. I don't know how you can pass on a job with full benefits.

Dan

Roseanne Quotes

I know if you're looking for work don't click on FantasyPositions.com. They're people working, alright, but it ain't a job site.

Dan

Dan: Candyman's home babe.
Roseanne: Oh, my favorite, drugs! What happened to the rest of our candy?
Dan: Funny story. Our insurance don't cover what it use to so I got the drugs for twice the price.