I just realized we got kids in the house, and I can't remember where we hid our gun.

Dan

What's up deplorable.

Jackie

Roseanne: How dare you invite her here without asking me first. This is my house.
Darlene: And she's my aunt.

Harris: This is so unfair! You're ruining my life. You all suck!
Dan: I ain't see that movie in twenty years. Classics really do hold up.

Harris: Can I have some money?
Darlene: I don't know. Mom, can I have some money?
Roseanne: I don't know. Can't I have some money?
Harris: You could have just said we're poor. I don't need the routine.

How come you're always smiling? It's weird.

Harris

Roseanne: Darlene says just ignore it. He's "exploring."
Dan: May the wind fill his sails, and bring him to the boys section at Target.

Darlene: I know you and Aunt Jackie are mad at each other, but this feud is getting way out of control.
Roseanne: You weren't here Darlene. You didn't see it. I mean not only did she vote for the worst person on earth, but she was a real jerk about it, too, and now she's just ridiculous.
Darlene: She's ridiculous? You made a shrine to her as if she's dead.
Roseanne: Well she's dead to me.

Darlene: Dad will you tell her how stupid she's being?
Dan: That's never worked out for me.

Darlene: Are you eating Peeps for breakfast?
Roseanne: What's it to ya?!

Roseanne: Did you get the anti-depressants?
Dan: They're all yours. If you're not happy, I have no chance of being happy.

Dan: Candyman's home babe.
Roseanne: Oh, my favorite, drugs! What happened to the rest of our candy?
Dan: Funny story. Our insurance don't cover what it use to so I got the drugs for twice the price.

Roseanne Quotes

Dan: Candyman's home babe.
Roseanne: Oh, my favorite, drugs! What happened to the rest of our candy?
Dan: Funny story. Our insurance don't cover what it use to so I got the drugs for twice the price.

Roseanne: Dan! Dan!
Dan: What? What happened?
Roseanne: I thought you were dead!
Dan: I'm sleeping! Why does everybody always think I'm dead?
Roseanne: You looked happy. I thought maybe you moved on.