Mark: They put me in for one play and I accidentally scored a goal for the other team.
Jackie: The winning goal!

Finally a man bringing me something I really want.

Dan: Did you make the appointment for your knee surgery yet?
Roseanne: You know how doctors are, Dan. They say they can see you in a month and then when you tell them you can't stand the pain any longer they say, "We'll see you in a month."

Mom's yelling fine in the bathroom and I'm not going in.

Darlene

Margarita on the house for the old married couple.

Becky

Roseanne: This is our 45th anniversary and I get to talk.
Dan: She's finally coming out of her shell everybody.

Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and put your family first.

Dan

Dan: Does Madam approve?
Roseanne: Hell yeah Madam approves!

I just found out I hate my mother which is really weird because I love my mother.

Crystal

I gotta be honest Darlene. I don't know how you can pass on a job with full benefits.

Dan

I'm gonna give your back a reason to flare up.

So because you have kids my problems aren't as important as yours?

Becky

Roseanne Quotes

Dan: Candyman's home babe.
Roseanne: Oh, my favorite, drugs! What happened to the rest of our candy?
Dan: Funny story. Our insurance don't cover what it use to so I got the drugs for twice the price.

Roseanne: Dan! Dan!
Dan: What? What happened?
Roseanne: I thought you were dead!
Dan: I'm sleeping! Why does everybody always think I'm dead?
Roseanne: You looked happy. I thought maybe you moved on.