Holding a rake and staring is not a cover. Raking is a cover.


Jackie: Roseanne get in here!
Roseanne: What?
Jackie: You can't stand on the front porch staring at your Muslim neighbors. It's just so obvious you're spying on them.

When is your hearing going to go bad?


They treat me like a fly in potato salad.


Is this where birds stay when they go to Vegas?


It's not a hobby, dear, it's a symptom.


Beverly: You've been grocery shopping for seven hours. What took you?
Jackie: Long lines.

Mark: Why do birds have houses when they have trees?
Dan: I'll do you one better and this'll bend your mind. Why do we cut down trees to make the wood for bird houses?
Mark: Whoa.
Dan: One day you'll have a brownie in college and it will make it even better.

Dan: How much would you say you eat a week?
Mark: Say whatever you have to, to get me in.

We each get her for a week.


Jackie: I will take Darlene and her kids.
Roseanne: No, I like one of those kids.

I'm older so I hated her first.

Roseanne Quotes

Dan: Candyman's home babe.
Roseanne: Oh, my favorite, drugs! What happened to the rest of our candy?
Dan: Funny story. Our insurance don't cover what it use to so I got the drugs for twice the price.

Roseanne: Dan! Dan!
Dan: What? What happened?
Roseanne: I thought you were dead!
Dan: I'm sleeping! Why does everybody always think I'm dead?
Roseanne: You looked happy. I thought maybe you moved on.