Scrubs Season 2 Episode 4: "My Big Mouth" Quotes
Carla: You see, that's what's really bothering me.
J.D.: What, Turk and Bonnie? They hate each other.
Carla: Then why is he doing his "You're so getting a piece of this" dance?
J.D.: He's not. That's his "In your face" dance. Or it's his "There's a sale on lotion" dance. I dunno, he's got so many dances
Dr. Cox: Awww... You're gonna love this one! Twenty-five-year-old woman - dancer, actually... well, not anymore, I'm afraid we have to take both of her legs -bilateral gangrene - and seeing as her husband recently passed away, and her insurance at the dancer's union probably is not gonna cover it, you should go ahead and tell her she won't be able to stay here with us for her rehab.
Elliot: Um, what... room is she in?
Dr. Cox: There is no room. In fact, in the history of medicine, there's never actually been a patient that depressing. I made it up! Come on, now, Barbie; you keep going down this road, you're gonna go up to the roof of this hospital and jump the hell off. Mind you, it's only five stories high, so that means you'll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you, and then I'll be forced to jump off the roof of this hospital, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high, and are you starting to see a pattern forming here?
J.D.: Mr. Hogan, I can't stress enough how much you gotta avoid the red meat. Cirrhosis of your liver is preventing it from filtering out all the toxins, and if those get to your brain you'd become encephalopathic leading to a mental status change.
Mr. Hogan: So, what, I'm gonna start acting all crazy or something?
J.D.: Well, you'll need a tin-foil hat to hold in all your thoughts
Mr. Hogan: Well, who can say no to 49-cent cheeseburgers?
Carla: Sure, but tack on the cost of medicine, your room, and pumping your stomach, and that 49-cent cheeseburger is gonna run you in the neighborhood of thirteen hundred dollars.
Mr. Hogan: Heh. See, that's how they get you
Laverne: Carla, your brother called.
Carla: Oh, cool.
J.D.: I didn't know you had a brother.
Carla: That's my pet-name for Turk - you know, 'cause he's mine and he's a black man: "My bruthah."
J.D.: That is adorable. Do you think he'd mind if I call him that, too?
Carla: J.D., I was kidding.
J.D.: I know. I'm still gonna ask
Turk: Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try! She's like a ninja but worse!
J.D.: Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat.
Carla: Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
Elliot: I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.
J.D.: Not entirely unlike... a ninja!
Elliot: Dr. Cox! Um, Mr. Tillman is my patient, too, you know.
Dr. Cox: He is?
Elliot: Yeah, I was in the room with you this morning, remember?
Dr. Cox: Uhhh, no.
Elliot: Well, I was. Anyway, um, I-if you want, I could talk to his wife, because I... just really enjoy that kind of stuff.
Dr. Cox: Wait a minute: Are you actually saying you enjoy telling people their spouses are going to die?
Elliot: ...Yep! I mean, I know that-that sounds a little bit weird, but I-I-I-I just really like being there for people; it's... kind of why I became a doctor in the first place.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's nice to know where the magic began
Bonnie: Huh! So I'm doing a Nissen gastric fundoplication; and you're doing...yet another appendectomy. How fun for you!
Turk: Please, you call that smack-talk? You shoulda asked me how it feels to be so far below you, I wouldn't be able to read "Suck it, Turk" if you wrote it on the bottom of your shoe.
Bonnie: Okay. How does that feel?
Dr. Kelso: Doctors! Something I've taken great pride in over the years is Sacred Heart's involvement in the esteemed "Doctors Without Borders" program. Now, every year, I single out the most qualified surgical resident to accompany me to Mexico for a weekend. Anyway, I've made my decision...
Todd: Thank you, sir. You haven't lived until you've tasted El Todd's guac.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, pack your bag.
Dr. Wen: Christopher!
Turk: Sorry, sir. I just can't believe Kelso chose me.
Dr. Wen: Yeah, me neither. I told him to take Bonnie.
Turk: So, then, why did he pick me?
Dr. Wen: Among all the surgery residents, what's the difference between you, Bonnie, Todd, Steve, Eric, and V.J.?
Turk: First of all, she's a-
Dr. Wen: There it is.
Turk: Wait, because she's-?
Dr. Wen: Yep.
Dr. Wen: Exactly.
Turk: Huh? It's because she's a woman... Damn!
Turk: Dr. Kelso, can I bother you for a second?
Dr. Kelso: Based on history, I'd say yes.
Turk: I know for a fact that Dr. Wen recommended Bonnie.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, I chose you over that nice young lady because we're going to be moving around a lot, and I can't be pulling over every two minutes for pee-pee stops and those nylons that come in plastic eggs!
Turk: Dr. Kelso, don't you think that's a little sexist?
Dr. Kelso: I don't know, sport? Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the pretty nurses and unload a few uggos? The rules have changed so much, I just can't keep up. Tell you what: Let's stop jiggling each other's marbles. Why don't you decide who should go; that way, when you choose yourself, I won't have to deal with all this horrible guilt