J.D.'s narration: Since I was currently homeless, Turk and Carla were letting me crash here as long as I needed.
Carla: J.D., you have to get out. This place is tiny! And I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hangin' all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.?
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel!

Elliot: We have a very complicated past.
J.D.: Yeah, I hurt her, and I'm not proud.
J.D.'s narration: I'm a little proud.

Carla: If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan! ...No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?

Turk: Okay... I'm gonna go with Dr. Cox on this one.
Dr. Cox: That's a rookie move, and you hate to see it. You always side with the wife - even if she's got a full-blown case of the crazies.

See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart - (laughs) did you see the sign? Though there will be no vandalism here, people!... It was classic!

Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Okay! How about opening up sexually? What's your wildest fantasy?
Jake: Yeah... it's not happening.
Elliot: Come on! Sometimes in bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'!
Jake: Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse - all the screaming is in your head.
Elliot: Yeah, but in there, it's crazy...

Elliot: Why don't you just try a higher gear?
J.D.: It's like pedaling in hummus!

Dr. Cox: There's a, uh, triathlon tomorrow. Thing One and Thing Two have been training vigorously for it.
Doug: We're working on our drafting technique!
Dr. Cox: If your goal is to repel all women on the planet, then it's definitely working.

J.D.: Why is everybody wearing wetsuits?
Doug: This water's like forty-nine degrees, dumb-dumb!

Turk: This is great. I'm being assisted by a magician.
Carla: The only way you're gonna get through this is if you believe it's gonna work.
Turk: Uh-huh.
(He pinches her on the arm.)
Carla: OW!
Turk: That was just a fingernail, honey! How would you like it if I cut out your appendix?!
Carla: Let's forget for one second that hypnosis is used to lower bleeding, aid recovery, or help patients deal with pain. You are married now. So start believing what I tell you to believe! And DON'T PINCH ME!

Elliot: J.D., what you said before...I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad. You were wrong about one thing, though - we are moving forward.
J.D.: Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.

Elliot's Thoughts: Oh God, Carla, please don't tell them I'm working at a free clinic!
Carla's Thoughts: I sense she doesn't want me to tell them. Women have an unspoken connection men can't even fathom!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Dude, I know you can't look because Carla's here, but you're missing a crazy Victoria's Secrets commercial.
Turk's Thoughts: I'm watching Giselle in my spoon right now!

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 3 Quotes

Elliot: Why don't you just move into my place?
J.D.: Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.

As for me, I could overcome any obstacle, as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.

J.D.'s Narration