J.D.: I just say something nice about him that's actually true!
Dr. Cox: You go do that and I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible.

Keith: Well, I just told him that there's nothing more we can do right now.
J.D.& Turk: Ooooooh.
Keith: What?
J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there may be something we can do tomorrow.
Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible!
Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.

Ted: Gather round, people! Dr. Kelso has an announcement to make!
Dr. Kelso: That'll be all, Ted. You can go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Ted: It was my day off.

So, this is where germs are born...

J.D.

Dr. Kelso: This Friday I am receiving an award from the AMA..
Dr. Cox (interrupting him): Jerk-off of the year.. no.. bastard of the year.. don't you tell me.. "Guy I despise so much I'd pay someone to kill you and stuff you and leave you by my bed so that when I wake up in the morning I gotto roll over and punch you in the face"... of the year.

J.D.: Turk, have you heard of Jiggly Ball?
Turk: Yeah it's a game the orderlies made up.
J.D.: I've heard of it, too. It's so awesome that we've both heard of it.
Turk: Yes...that...that's awesome.

Dr. Cox: I don't think you understand the predicament that you're in here. Kelso expects a long, glowing testimonial. The kind that make men cheer and women...what is it that women do, Newbie?
J.D.: How the hell would I know?
J.D.'s Narration: They swoon!

Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Colonel Doctor.
Colonel Doctor: Excuse me?
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry, I don't know your name, and you look like that Kentucky Fried Chicken guy.

J.D.: Yeeeeaaaah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some form of the word "die" - dead, dying, deadsies, Deadwood - your choice.
Keith: What was the middle one?
J.D.: Deadsies.

Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just wanted to introduce you to our Chief of Medicine.
Mr. Morrison: Sir, I can't tell you how well everyone's treating me.
Dr. Kelso: That's what we're here for!
Dr. Cox: You, uh, you forgot to tell him you were bumping him from the drug trial.
Dr. Kelso: I've got work to do, Perry.

J.D.: Can I talk to you for a second?
Janitor: No. I'm busy cleaning... Haha... That one always kills.

Listen up, bozos. That gentleman over there is basically a cash piata waiting to be whacked open. So how about someone diagnoses him so I can get my candy?

Dr. Kelso

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 4 Quotes

Orderly: (Handing Elliot a chart) This guy has an S.T.D., and he definitely doesn't want his wife to find out.
Elliot: (Walks in, sees Kelso)
Dr. Kelso: Crap.

(His entire right hand is moving) Guys, I think there might be something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that!

</i> J.D.