Dr. Cox: Why? Why am I having such a hard time with this?
Jordan: Because apparently you have girl parts!

Perry? Why the hell is he still here? When I go back down to the cafeteria, there had better be only three workers there! Unless Margaret spits out another kid - that woman's like a Catholic bunny.

Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Hell yeah, I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you that I... I think you're doing a great job. Boy, that meatloaf today, it was-it was virtually hairless.
Kenny: I took off the gloves and... it makes the hair a lot easier to... pick out.

J.D.: Is that my new sweater?
Janitor: No, this is my new sweater mop.
J.D.: It went dynamite with my beige cords!
Janitor: You mean my beige cord sponge?

J.D.: A hot-air balloon seems kind of dangerous, I mean, he could get hurt.
Elliot: What's he gonna do? Bruise one of his giant malignant tumors?
J.D.: Safety is always important, Elliot.
Elliot: Oh, my God. You're afraid of balloon rides, aren't you!
J.D.: It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

Jordan: Oh, for God's sake, Perry! Adjust your bra, man up, and fire the one with the least pathetic story!
Dr. Cox: Do you really think I know any of these people's stories?
Janitor: Well, let me fill you in. First we have Hank - four kids, trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary. Next one is Mike - lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident. And then there's Judy - been here thirty years, just two away from retirement.
Jordan: You're...you're friends with all these people?
Janitor: You kidding me? I read their files. I read everybody's files, Ms. Manic-Depressive, Dr. Drinks-A-Lot.

Elliot: I can't believe you left me all alone for a stupid T.V. writer.
J.D.: Oh, like that is any different from the time you spent all night hanging out with your favorite weatherman from channel 4!

Dr. Kelso: I have to cut twenty-seven thousand dollars from the cafeteria budget! And my idea of getting it all back by charging a hundred bucks for a piece of cake went right out the window when Fat Frank decided to go on that power diet!
Fat Frank: I lost over two hundred-thirty pounds so far!

Okay, listen up, everyone. For budgetary reasons, we are turning the bathrooms on even-numbered floors into patients rooms. To sum up, floors two and four are no longer for one or two. Actually, there's still a bathroom on two, but then my joke wouldn't've worked.

Dr. Kelso

Carla: Whoa-ho! What are you doing? No tongue before ten.
Turk: Baby, J.D. and Kylie can make time for that stupid appointment kiss once a day - we should be able to do it twice a day!
Carla: Love is not a competition.
Turk: Okay.
Carla: Make it three times.

Dr. Cox: I see that. It seems you two have worn the same outfit. Barbie, if it's of any consolation, it looks slightly better on you.
Elliot: No, I'm talking about... Thank you!

J.D.'s narration: Things were amazing with Kylie. But before I could get more emotionally invested, I needed answers to some questions that were very important to me.
J.D.: Name three spin-offs of the sitcom 'Happy Days'.
Kylie: "Mork & Mindy", "Laverne & Shirley" and "Joanie Loves Chachi".
Turk: You marry her. You marry her now! You marry her!
J.D.: Okay, okay, we passed Section One - "Sitcoms about or involving Asian-American diner owners." Now on to Section Two - "Fat, tubby T.V. husbands and the crazy-hot women that would never actually be married to them."

Scrubs Season 4 Episode 17 Quotes

Elliot: Wait a second! This chart isn't for Charles James, it's for James Charles! He's the one who has cancer, not you!
J.D.: And who cares about him! He's anti-Semitic!

Okay, Perry! That's it, it's over. The only act left to see is you firing that guy.

Dr. Kelso