Carla: Why would you ruin this for me? I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there!
Janitor: Imagine that. I been working here thirteen years, and I guess I don't rate as part of the family.

Carla: I don't know why you did it, but I know it was you.
Janitor: How?
Carla: Because it's always you.
Janitor: It's not always me!
Dr. Kelso: Aaaaaaaaaagggghhhhwhoooooooaaaaahaaaaauuuuuugh! Who the hell put tiny wheels on my shoes!?
Janitor: Well, that's his fault - he took a nap in the lounge.

Janitor: Aww, either your picture didn't come out, or we got a hospital full of vampire doctors.
J.D.'s Narration: Vampire doctors? How did he hear about my screenplay?

Now I'm going to check on Mr. Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he, too, deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients and consequently your only reason for getting out of that lacy, over-pillowed four-poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times - I'd-a made a necklace outta your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unprofessional.

Dr. Kelso: Who the hell's responsible for this?
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, not even my giant mouthful of apple-pear-orange-banana-cherry-berry could lift my depression about losing my patient to Dr. Cox.

J.D.'s Narration: It can mean you're not sorry at all...
Janitor: Sorry your picture didn't come out.
Carla: Yeah.

J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, "I'm sorry" can mean "your services are no longer needed."
Mrs. Wilk: I'm sorry, Dr. Dorian.
Dr. Cox: So, you gave her the old death sentence, did ya. In the business, we call that a rookie mistake. But thanks for playin'.

J.D.: This morning you told me that you had a great life.
Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I'd like to continue it!
J.D.: Oh, this is just a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry. Tell her there's a misunderstanding, then.
Dr. Cox: He's tried to kill before.

J.D.: What are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: Mrs. Wilk was asking me some questions that I actually thought would be best answered by you.
Mrs. Wilk: Why did that sweaty attorney ask me if my affairs were in order?
J.D.: Because I wanted to make sure that you're as comfortable as possible.
Mrs. Wilk: As comfortable as possible? For what?
Dr. Cox: I'm going to sit for this.
J.D.: For the place that you're going. You know, the big puffy clouds... the bright lights... all your old friends...?
Mrs. Wilk: Seattle?
J.D.: No, no no no - not-not Seattle, the... you know, the dying... peacefully... place.
Mrs. Wilk: What are you talking about?
Dr. Cox: Now, I'm going to stand!

Turk: How's it going today, buddy?
J.D.: Pretty crappy. I just had to tell an old lady she's dying. How about you?
Turk: Okay. Elliot turfed this chronic pain patient to me - I have no idea what's wrong with him, so I have to do exploratory surgery.

J.D.: Look, Mrs. Wilk, you have something called systemic amyloidosis. Now, it's in your liver now, but it'll eventually shut down all your organs. There's a treatment, but it's very invasive, and at best it'll just give you a little more time.
Mrs. Wilk: Well, I've had a great life, so-
J.D.: Say no more. I'm gonna take amazing care of you.
Mrs. Wilk: Okay.

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 6 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Never make assumptions based on your own perceptions. Just... never do it.
J.D.: Really? You've been spending a lot of time treating my guy, Mr. Jenkins, right?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, he's a Vietnam veteran, he deserves as much.
J.D.: Yeah, actually, he's just a homeless guy. I made up the war veteran story to motivate my boys! But, what're you gonna do?
(Cox starts flashing his "warning light.")
J.D.: Oh, come on! You've gotten me like a hundred times. I finally got ya once! It was bound to happen, right?
Dr. Cox: I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass.

Carla: How did you get all these people to come down here?
Janitor: Fear.