J.D.: Do you have any family, Mrs. Wilk?
Mrs. Wilk: No. I was married twice. Divorced one, the other one died. Wrong one died.

J.D.: Ohh, right - your imaginary warning light. Don't be mad, Perry - this day was bound to come. See, I've studied you. I've taken your best qualities and my best qualities and I've combined them into something even better. Much the way that iced tea and lemonade were joined to become an "Arnold Palmer." Incidentally, has anyone ever done less to become famous? I mean, "Yay for me - I mixed two drinks together!"
Dr. Cox: Arnold Palmer is a golfer.
J.D.: I'm sure he has lots of hobbies, Perry. The man's a drink mogul.

Dr. Cox: I am gonna let Big Bob, here, give the first excuse.
Dr. Kelso: Blah blah blah, I'm not doing it.
Dr. Cox: I'm caught on his collar!
Carla: This picture is happening!
Janitor: No, it's not.
Carla: Oh, what do you know, mop jock?
Janitor: A pretty good couple things over the years: The kitchen fire of '97. The kitchen fire of '98. The arson conviction of Luis the fry-cook. And, of course, the eventual termination of the hospital's Convicts-to-Cooks program. Bottom line - not gonna happen.

Carla, I don't photograph well. On my driver's license, I look like Gary Busey.


Then Elliot did what every good doctor does when they're truly stumped. She pawned him off.

J.D.'s Narration

Carla: Laverne. I'm gonna need a little bit of your church enthusiasm to help sell this? Dammit, everyone! We are a family!
Laverne: A family, people-uh!
Carla: And I know we love each other.
Laverne: Love's all we got-uh!
Carla: So can't we just take ten minutes from our day to take a real staff photo?
Laverne: Yes, we can! Ha! Yes, we can!
Carla: The tambourine's a little much, Laverne.

Dr. Cox: Why did you order a B.M.P. test on my patient, Mrs. Wilk, last night?
J.D.: Because she's my patient.
Dr. Cox: Interesting, seeing as I admitted her.
J.D.: And I treated her last night.
Mr. Bursick: Dr. Dorian, why do I hate all-
J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr. Bursick! Stealing all of our jobs... Perry, we spent an equal amount of time with Mrs. Wilk. Now seeing as we're both attendings - i.e. "equals" - why don't we let her decide who her doctor is, huh?
Dr. Cox: Or... we could skip the day-trip to Unnecessary Land and instead simply concede that Mrs. Wilk is my patient and that, while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals - we are in fact not equals. We are, hmmm, unequals.

J.D.: Guys, if I give you a patient, I expect you to work your butts off for him. And P.S.? Mr. Jenkins is a Vietnam vet. Let's take care of him... like he took care of our nation. Get outta here!... That's how you light a fire under their butts, Perry! You get 'em going with some inspiration!
Dr. Cox: Too much! talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much... talking.

After four years here, I'm finally comfortable helping myself to the nurses' muffin basket... Mmmmm! Blueberry-cran-carrot-zucchini-poppyseed-chocolate chip!

J.D.'s Narration

J.D.'s Narration: ...Cursing out an innocent orderly over a stolen physical therapy tub...
Dr. Kelso: Dammit, you better find it! Physical therapy tubs don't just disappear!
J.D.'s Narration: ...Or for some, just a relaxing afternoon soak on the roof.
Todd: Oh, come on, let me in. This totally covers my boys.
(The Janitor taps a sign reading "NO BANANA HAMMOCKS".)
Janitor: You try and get in here wearing that thing, I'm gonna give you a four-story atomic wedgie.

J.D.'s Narration: Around here, everyone has some sort of morning ritual... Whether it's getting help on the daily word jumble from your dyslexic tracheotomy patient...
Elliot: Uh, T P I P O E.
Marcia: "Pot pie."
Elliot: Save your voice, Marcia. Mm, save it.

Since my scooter was in the shop, I didn't know how I was gonna get to work today. But luckily, my neighbor, Ronald, lent me his ride. Ronald's six. But I still got there in time to steal the security guard's Arts & Leisures section.

J.D.'s Narration

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 6 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Never make assumptions based on your own perceptions. Just... never do it.
J.D.: Really? You've been spending a lot of time treating my guy, Mr. Jenkins, right?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, he's a Vietnam veteran, he deserves as much.
J.D.: Yeah, actually, he's just a homeless guy. I made up the war veteran story to motivate my boys! But, what're you gonna do?
(Cox starts flashing his "warning light.")
J.D.: Oh, come on! You've gotten me like a hundred times. I finally got ya once! It was bound to happen, right?
Dr. Cox: I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass.

Carla: How did you get all these people to come down here?
Janitor: Fear.