Scrubs Season 5 Episode 5: "My New God" Quotes
J.D.'s Narration: And, finally, Dr. Kelso's 9 A.M. wrong shoulder tap.
(J.D. taps Dr. Kelso on the opposite shoulder as he walks past.)
Dr. Kelso: Dammit! Every morning, tapping - no one's ever there!
(Talking to a priest while pretending to be Jesus and Buddha) "So do you like pie?" - "Look at me, do I look like a guy who doesn't like pie? I love pie. Incidentally, where do you buy your loinclothes?"J.D.
J.D.: Hey, do you guys like improv? Because I'm kind of an expert. There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying. (Pretending to be Dr. Cox and his sister, Paige) "Do you want some pie?" - "Not me, I hate pie." - "What are you talking about? Who hates pie?" - "I've always hated pie! You never understood me." - "You're a pie racist." - "You're a cobbler whore."
J.D.'s narration: For God's sake, get off pie.
Dr Cox: Republican.
J.D.: (With his arms out) Pie!
Dr. Cox: But I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life.
Paige: I'd love to see him turn three.
Dr. Cox: The major events, Paige: His graduation, his wedding, his divorce, and his funeral - the Big Four.
Paige: Oh! Wow! Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete?
Dr. Cox: That's cold, sis. It's ice cold.
Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you - you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy, it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.
Janitor: You're welcome.
Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?
J.D.: He seems fine.
Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.
J.D.: I don't whine or cry.
Janitor: Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?
J.D.: These are coasters.
Janitor: My camera's broken.
Elliot: Turk! Just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it. Don't you get it? Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her.
Turk: Elliot, I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby is the worst possible consequence of sex.
Turk: Angry sex is like a drug. I can't stop!
Carla: I'll be right out, I'm just fixing my hair.
Turk: Rake's in the closet, baby!
J.D.: Hey, who's your friend?
Dr. Cox: My boy in a dress. Who's yours?
J.D.: Well, seeing as he gave me the strength to outrun the sheriff's K-9 unit, I'd say he's my new god.
Dr. Cox: Ah.
J.D.: You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours'.
Dr. Cox: Don't you touch my son.
Dr. Cox: Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?
Paige: Fine. It was medicine.
Dr. Cox: Aha.
Paige: Thank God for creating medicine.
Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress?
Paige: I think you should wait to see the matching slippers and tiny handbag.
Dr. Cox: You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day that you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to hell for it. That's a trauma twofer.