J.D.'s narration: And I've always known if I make even the slightest gesture of friendship to a difficult co-worker...
Mr. Kwan: Who are you!?
J.D.'s narration: ...I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.

Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One - God, Zero.
J.D.: Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do.

J.D.: That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today?
Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.
J.D.: Mark my words - when that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.

Elliot: You can talk to me if you want?
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex - I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is "schwing"-something...
Elliot: "Schwing-schwong," "peepers," or "peep."
Turk: And vagina?
Elliot: Disgusting! But also "bagingo" and "ho-ho"
Turk: I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her Cervical Muccus.
Elliot: Ap-ap! From now on Cervical Muccus, will be referred to as Icky Sticky.

Dr. Cox: Paige. We have protocol here. First we shake our magic eight ball, then we explore all witchcraft-related options.
Paige: Oh, right - 'cause people who believe in God are crazy! And you're the sane one!

Dr. Cox: I, uh, I wish I had better news for you. Unfortunately, we're not seeing the improvement we'd hoped for with this medication.
Donnelly: What are our options?
Dr. Cox: I'm afraid there are no other options.
Paige: There's always prayer.
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no.
Paige: You know, with God by your side, anything is possible.
Dr. Cox: Could I speak with you in the "stop filling my patient's head with false hope" ward?

Elliot: My high school boyfriend's an accountant now, and he still does my taxes for free.
Jordan: Mm-hmm.
Elliot: You know what's weird? He also does my brother Barry's.
Dr. Kelso: My son, Harrison, dabbles in sado-masochism and he has a new gimp named Barry. Or is it Larry? At my age, it's getting harder and harder to keep track of his gimps.

Carla: Okay, so my cervical mucus is peaking, my temperature is slightly elevated, and these pillows will keep my vagina angled so that the semen can pool against my cervix.
Turk: Baby, that is some god-awful dirty talk.

J.D.: Dr. Cox! If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're not going.
J.D.: Dammit! Stupid baptism.

J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the T.V. was broken one day and she picked up the Bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. Whatta you think there, Newbie?
J.D.: Probably the "room to room" thing.
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway, and I'd always kick his ass.
J.D.: Can Christians say "ass" now? I have a friend - Pat Casey - he called his mom an ass once? She hit him in the face with an iron! He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

Turk: Ahhh! Sex time, people!
J.D.: He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air, because they're trying for a boy - like Jesus!

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 5 Quotes

Turk: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't get how this baby-making stuff could be sexy. But I do now.
Carla: Well, you know, Turk, I can get angry if you give me a little help.
Turk: If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny DeVito.
Carla: Aw, Turk, a little help.

Dr. Cox: By the way, if you want, Jack's birthday is in the spring... sometime.
Paige: March 21st.