J.D.: Hi, I'm J.D. I'm sure Perry's spoken of me.
Paige: Noo...
J.D.: Nothing about taking a talented go-getter under his wing? Or being surrogate father to a boy who's lost his own? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised, it's interesting to me, but okay.
J.D.'s narration: Don't cry in front of people.
Paige: Perry and I don't talk much.
J.D.: Oh, they don't talk much, everybody! There's no talking in the family.
Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me - the big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer, and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small-
Paige(Imitating): The small being my ex-wife, Jordan, wind energy, and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors - your name still would not have come up.

Dr. Cox: Everyone, this is my sister, Paige. Paige, I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about.
Dr. Kelso: Ahh! Here for the baptism! I remember my son Harrison's big day. All of us laughing at him in his frilly little baptism dress. Heh. Well, we're not laughing anymore. Harrison's a poofter... Bob Kelso.

Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Haley doesn't have a chance this month... I name my eggs - big frick. Last month it was "Cassy."
J.D.: Ooh, "Cassy"'s pretty.
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.

Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper?
Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?
J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
J.D.'s narration: Once a month? That's crazy!

J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited.
J.D.: Oh, I see. Family only, everyone! That's how they're doin' it.
Carla: I'm going.

Dr. Cox: Remind me again why you're having our son baptized?
Jordan: Oh, what do you care? You're not even going!
Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to church. I mean, I let him go to magic shows. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares.

J.D.'s narration: After four years, I know the hospital so well I can sneak in a little nap-walk before rounds. Two quick steps to the left to avoid overly ambitious orderly... Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again...
Doug: The man's dead, J.D. Show some respect.

Turk: I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her Cervical Muccus.
Elliot: Ap-ap! From now on Cervical Muccus, will be referred to as Icky Sticky.

Turk: And vagina is?
Elliot: Disgusting! But also Vajingo or Hoo-Hoo.

J.D.: I'll do it.
Janitor: I knew you would, you're very predictable.
J.D. & Janitor: No I'm not.
J.D. & Janitor: Stop doing that!
J.D. & Janitor: Peanutbutter egg dirt.

You're right! It would be weird if you were like that!

Jordan I.. I don't think I can do this without Perry! I mean he's my everything! Paige

Jordan: Oh, I'm sorry sweetie! I didn't know you'd be so upset! I'll call her and tell her not to come! (Laughs) How weird would it be, if I was like that!
Carla: Totally!

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 5 Quotes

Turk: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't get how this baby-making stuff could be sexy. But I do now.
Carla: Well, you know, Turk, I can get angry if you give me a little help.
Turk: If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny DeVito.
Carla: Aw, Turk, a little help.

Dr. Cox: By the way, if you want, Jack's birthday is in the spring... sometime.
Paige: March 21st.