Elliot: Doctor Cox! Could you come take a look at my patient's rash, it's really weird.
Dr. Cox: Oh I would love to come take a look at your patient's rash, but also, if time allows, maybe we could go over some preliminary ideas for your wedding dress.
Elliot: I have sketches in my locker.
Dr. Cox: Psst... Barbie, listen carefully because the policy remains unchanged, unless someone is dying, and pa-lease note dying, not dead, I'm not interested. And P.S., just a real strong showing for a chief resident candidate. God almighty!

Carla: So what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over?
Doug: (Excited) Oh I'm still a resident. Yeah, Doctor Kelso said I'm the first medical resident to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital.
Carla: That's a bad thing, Doug.
Doug: Oh, I'm stayin' positive.

Turk: (Talking about lightbulb) Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?
Dr. Cox: It's not a rabbit in a hat, if you tug on it, its going to break, and if it breaks he's going to need surgury and if you preform it, then of course he's going to need a casket. So, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.
Turk: What crowd? I thought nobody wanted to take the case.
Dr. Cox: At first, but now that it's become a bit of a hospital mystery every jackass in the joint is going to want to come in here and give their two cents worth.

Oh my God! Now I know how Liza Minnelli felt! When she won the oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien.

Elliot

Molly: Perry! You know I have a cousin named Perry. But actually not, he's not my cousin and his name isn't Perry, its Jeff.
Dr. Cox: That's so funny, I have an uncle named stop bothering me.

Dr. Kelso: That young man's father is very important.
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me, he donated a wing.
Dr. Kelso: He donated a wing, a thigh and a breast.
J.D.: Sir...
Dr. Kelso: Yes genius, in this metaphor the hospital is a chicken.
J.D.: Please, sir, I totally get that.
J.D.'s Narration: How could a hospital be a chicken?

Turk: (To Dr. Cox) Doctor!
Dr. Cox: (To Turk) Doctor! (To Janitor) Doctor!
Janitor: (To Dr. Cox) Doctor! (To Turk) Doctor!
Turk: (To Janitor) Doctor! (Puts hand out to shake)
Janitor: ...No.

Dr. Zeltzer: That's why my wife and I use candles.
Turk: Well sir, you are hands down the most disturbing man I have ever met in my life.
Dr. Zeltzer: Oh stop it. Hey, are you and your wife open minded?
Dr. Cox: That's it, I want everybody out who's not an expert on lightbulbs. Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Janitor: Cleaning time! (Bursts into J.D. and Elliot's office) Don't worry I'll go fast. (Starts spraying and cleaning desk, gets some in J.D.'s eye)
J.D.: Awwwww!
Janitor: Sorry, that one got away.
J.D.: It burns!
Janitor: Amonia burns? (To Elliot) Hmm. Write that down.

J.D.: I do have three questions though: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my mom? And what the hell am I supposed to do with 10,000 John Dorian, Chief Resident business cards (Throws the cards in the air, and falls to the floor)?!
Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlet, you're Chief Resident too.
J.D.: Ehh - what now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figured with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point of where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being as warm and cuddly as an unpotty trained Labra-doodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an unpotty trained Labra-doodle, together the two of you make one barely-passable doctor...slash Labra-doodle.

Dr. Kelso: So what do ya think, Perry?
Dr. Cox: Well, I'll tell you there Bobo, either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.

Turk: What are you doing?
Molly: Oh, um, I'm tired of trying to find my office, so I just set up shop here!
Turk: Oh! Okay, that's not weird.

Scrubs Season 4 Episode 2 Quotes

The best thing about this place is that when someone's really in trouble, all the pettiness melts away.

J.D.

(After Elliot removes a sign with her fingers that he couldn't with a crowbar) She has fingers like biceps.

J.D.