Turk: You can't smoke in here.
Danni: I don't see any signs.

J.D.'s Narration: There was nothing exciting going on...
J.D.: This sucks! I need to look like a stud, and a doctor can't look like a stud unless he's saving somebody's life. I need someone to have a heart attack!
Bum: Got twenty bucks?

Dr. Kelso: I haven't eaten since yesterday. I've been starving myself because I was going to a steakhouse tonight. It was just gonna be me, a 24-ounce porterhouse, and a fistful of blood thinners.
Janitor: That's an incredibly boring story!

Doug: Smooth maneuver, hoover. You scared her off.
Ted: You were the one who was embarrassingly forward!

J.D.: So be honest - is this the worst first date you've ever been on or what?
Kylie: I don't know. I think it's kind of exciting... being in a hospital, getting to see you in action. I just wish I could be your assistant.
J.D.: Say no more. Lonnie, shirt!
Lonnie: No!
J.D.: Don't make me say pants. I'll do it... Still tanning, I see.
Kylie: He's your bitch, isn't he?
J.D.: Yeah.

Quarantinis, anyone?


Danni: Dr. Dorkian, I presume?
J.D.'s Narration: The ex-girlfriend from hell. Get out! Get out before she sprays her toxic stink all over your new relationship!
J.D.: Danni, love to stay and talk, but I'm giving Kylie here a tour of the I.C.U.
Bum: Hey. Hey, hey! You were gonna take me back to the underpass!
J.D.: After the tour! What is it with you and the underpass?

J.D.: Anyway, we only lost about a half hour. We can still make that reservation!
(He starts up the car and backs out, hitting a large box behind them.)
J.D.: Oh, there's possums everywhere!
Kylie: No, no no no. It's just a box.
(The box groans)
Kylie: A... talking box.

Carla: You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.
Elliot: Oh, me, too. And that guy's gettin' boobies.
Carla: Yeah, he is.
(J.D. takes off his sport jacket to reveal his button-up is short-sleeved.)
Elliot: Whoa! That guy's gettin' a hug at the door. Heh.
(J.D. takes off the button-up to reveal that his red tee is actually an "Electric Boogie" belly shirt.)
Elliot: And that guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with six digits.
J.D.: I know how ridiculous this looks.
Carla: I don't think you do.

Dr. Kelso made me realize that lies come back to haunt you - even little ones about cake.

J.D.'s Narration

Turk: I don't understand why Carla didn't tell me about you guys.
Dr. Cox: Maybe it's because she's really in love with me, and together we injected you with diabetes to very slowly get you out of the picture. Or maybe it's because I really liked her, but she didn't exactly feel the same way about me and I got the forehead kiss after spending ninety stinkin' dollars on theater tickets. Or maybe - and this is a huge outside maybe - maybe she knows that you're the kind of person who freaks out over irrelevant things from the past. Personally, I hope it's all three.

J.D.: Thanks, Elliot. Really. But that's a load of crap, because nobody is themselves when they start dating. Dating is just acting like you're somebody you're not until the person likes you enough so you can show 'em who you really are.
Elliot: No, it's not.
J.D.: What do you call that bra you wore for your date last week?
Elliot: Oh, the Miracle Lift Super Push-Up bra? But not everyone's as insecure as me.
J.D.: Carla, when you first started dating Turk, didn't you tell him you loved watching NBA basketball every weekend?
Carla: Yeah.
J.D.: And how many games have you watched since he proposed?
Carla: One. But only because that time he made me choose between watching basketball or having sex.

Scrubs Season 4 Episode 16 Quotes

Now, keep an eye on the bum's vitals. I gave him enough sedative to put down a rhino.


Kylie: Let's go.
J.D.: Kylie, wait. I paid Steve fifty bucks and an I.O.U. for another hundred and twenty to fake a heart attack. I just-I really wanted tonight to go well.
Kylie: Is there anything else?
Danni: Adios, assface.
J.D.: I had sex with her. A lot.
Kylie: Why are you telling me this?
J.D.: If I don't come clean now, whether it's a few weeks or months or years from now, I know it's gonna come back to haunt me and ruin us, and I don't want that.
Kylie: I'm not looking for a project.
J.D.: Yeah... I understand. It's...
Kylie: So get it together. Now let's go get some coffee.