Dr. Kelso: The only thing I detest more than treating patients is treating patients on an empty stomach. I'm famished!
Janitor: We've been in here for eight minutes.

Turk: You dated the devil.
Carla: Turk.
Turk: And you lied to me.
Carla: No, uh-uh! No. You never asked me if I dated Dr. Cox. You can ask me anything, I would never lie to you.
Turk: Do you sometimes wish I had hair?
Carla: Yes.
Turk: This is a nightmare. I'm standing here living in a nightmare.

J.D.'s Narration: I could hear the pain in my best friend's voice, and I could feel how little I cared... because by the way Kylie was looking at me, I knew she thought I was sexy.
Kylie: You know something? Seeing you in your element today, you seem so...
J.D.'s Narration: Here it comes - sexy!
Kylie: Genuine.
J.D.'s Narration: She would have said sexy if I had a mustache.

Elliot: I had this one first date where the guy took me to play paintball. All he does the whole time is shoot me in the face. After two years with that guy, I'm like, "That's enough!" You know?
Janitor: Ha ha! First dates, huh?... Someone give me seven hundred bucks.
Todd: I went out with this girl, she was like the worst first date ever. I take her for a romantic ferry ride, and for some reason I decide to take it out-
Carla: Okay. Your turn is done.

J.D.: Look, I paid this guy to fake a heart attack. He wants fifty bucks, we only have twenty.
Dr Johnson: You know, I feel like you guys just use me for my money.
J.D.: You have a trust fund! Now gimme the money!

Dr. Cox: So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths - happy ending optional, his choice, not yours.
Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Cox: Not all of him.

Turk: Baby, that's a nurse stuff, I don't have the expertise.
Carla: Turk, any idiot can be a nurse.
Turk: I know, I just think--
Carla: I knew you thought that! I knew it.
Turk: You tricked me!

Ted: Turk and Carla's wedding - we made out?
Doug: So did we.
Danni: Was it at the same time? Because I have a habit of doing that at people's weddings.

J.D.: You look ridiculous.
J.D.'s Narration: Except for that glorious mustache.

Elliot: So, Kylie looks like she's having fun.
J.D.: It's a front. She's miserable. So far the highlight of the night's been putting the possum to sleep and that's not a euphemism.
Elliot: J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl. My dad's a doctor, and I remember how excited I was the first time I saw him work at the hospital. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were definitely some complicated feelings. But that's totally normal for an 11-year-old, right?

Dr. Cox: Otherwise, let's bear in mind that we are short-handed - there are only four doctors here.
Turk: I counted more than that.
Dr. Cox: I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle head. Here, Pee-Pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for "fake doctor," and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons.
Todd: There's only two of us.
Dr. Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.
Todd: Yeah you did!

Danni: SARS sucks.
Dr. Cox: Okay. You can direct any technical questions to my former sister-in-law.

Scrubs Season 4 Episode 16 Quotes

Now, keep an eye on the bum's vitals. I gave him enough sedative to put down a rhino.


Kylie: Let's go.
J.D.: Kylie, wait. I paid Steve fifty bucks and an I.O.U. for another hundred and twenty to fake a heart attack. I just-I really wanted tonight to go well.
Kylie: Is there anything else?
Danni: Adios, assface.
J.D.: I had sex with her. A lot.
Kylie: Why are you telling me this?
J.D.: If I don't come clean now, whether it's a few weeks or months or years from now, I know it's gonna come back to haunt me and ruin us, and I don't want that.
Kylie: I'm not looking for a project.
J.D.: Yeah... I understand. It's...
Kylie: So get it together. Now let's go get some coffee.