I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.

Dr. Kelso

Ted: Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
Todd: Hey! They have names! (Pointing at each breast): Tina, Marge; Sloppy, and Mr. Snuggles.
Laverne: Sloppy's bigger than Mr. Snuggles.

Elliot: Okay, I'm sure you know about it - go ahead, take your shots.
Turk: You've got bug eyes.
J.D.: Just because you dye your mustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone.

J.D.: What is it with you and the costumes today!?
Janitor: I borrowed it from my brother. He's a stripper.

J.D.: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?
Janitor: Yes. And you're a terrible teacher - I'm not prepared to operate on anyone!
J.D.: Whatever. If it wasn't funny, why did they all laugh?
Janitor: Wake up and smell the third floor urinal I haven't cleaned in four years!

Mr. Thompson: Hey! If you feel like talking, I've got a dandy conversation starter: I have had someone else's fingers in four - count 'em, four - different orifices today.
Jordan: Oh! Must be your birthday.

I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money or cut out the middle-man and just give him narcotics, so I brought your ATM card and a heroin sandwich. (Takes a bite of the sandwich) It's not heroin. It's smoked turkey.

Dr. Cox

Turk: Remember that meningitis patient who stole your identity?
J.D.: Darryl! He's cool - from now on, he's only gonna use my credit card for emergencies!

There it is, just like I said. I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze. Ahhh.

Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!
Turk: I can't watch this.
Laverne: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

Carla: Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do?
Turk: You mean Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor?

Jordan: So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy. Little tip: The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top, it was about three days before my ovulation...yeah. Oh, and he was choking me. Gagh! Ah, it was good.

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 2 Quotes

Dr. Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
Dr. Cox: No, no. No no no no no no no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!

Jason: Did we do something wrong, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: No, you guys are fine. You're doing a good job.
J.D.'s Narration: Still, good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.
J.D.: You know what, I want the laughter back!