There it is, just like I said. I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze. Ahhh.

Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!
Turk: I can't watch this.
Laverne: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

J.D.: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?
Janitor: Yes. And you're a terrible teacher - I'm not prepared to operate on anyone!
J.D.: Whatever. If it wasn't funny, why did they all laugh?
Janitor: Wake up and smell the third floor urinal I haven't cleaned in four years!

Mr. Thompson: Hey! If you feel like talking, I've got a dandy conversation starter: I have had someone else's fingers in four - count 'em, four - different orifices today.
Jordan: Oh! Must be your birthday.

Jordan: So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy. Little tip: The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top, it was about three days before my ovulation...yeah. Oh, and he was choking me. Gagh! Ah, it was good.

Carla: Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do?
Turk: You mean Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor?

Dr. Kelso: Son, when you're an intern, you get treated like crap; and then when you're in a position of power, you do the same thing to them. It's inevitable! Like the tide, or the awkward toast I'm going to have to give some day at my son's big gay wedding. Mark my words: Eventually you'll treat them like dirt like the rest of us do.

Elliot: Charlie, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you yesterday when you popped out of that haz-mat bin: I work alone, and you have somebody's else's blood on your neck. Take a shower, man.

J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooooooo!

I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money or cut out the middle-man and just give him narcotics, so I brought your ATM card and a heroin sandwich. (Takes a bite of the sandwich) It's not heroin. It's smoked turkey.

Dr. Cox

(to his interns) Kick some ass today, guys! Except for Mr. Woodsen in 302.. he's got a rectal tear!


Turk: How would we embarrass her?
Carla: Oh.. maybe by diagnosing all your female patients with "Turk Fever"!
Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that!
J.D.: That's true! I even had it!

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 2 Quotes

Fellowship Director: Hey, Bankfarter, did you hear? Charlie found a successful gene therapy for O.I. He basically cured the disease.
Elliot: How did he have any time to work when he was always torturing me!?
Fellowship Director: Jealousy's an ugly color, Bankfarter. Anyway, we're discontinuing your fellowship.

Dr. Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
Dr. Cox: No, no. No no no no no no no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!