J.D.: Have you guys been fake-laughing at my jokes? Be honest, I promise: absolutely no ramifications!
Keith: Well, we've been kinda fake-laughing!
J.D.: Keith, I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse!

J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooooooo!

Dr. Cox: Jordan, now that you work here every day, if the carpool torturing persists -
Jordan: Right.
Dr. Cox: ... I'm gonna put a plexiglass separator right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy. You can't, you can't, you can't! Heh. Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash, you won't be able to get out. However, that's a risk I'm sure willing to take.

Elliot: Charlie, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you yesterday when you popped out of that haz-mat bin: I work alone, and you have somebody's else's blood on your neck. Take a shower, man.

J.D.: Ok guys, let's talk for a second as equals, alright? Seriously, I'm taking off my stethoscope and my little name tag. (He does so) I'm not a doctor right now.
Lisa: You're still wearing scrubs.
(He rips his scrubs off)
Rex: We are in a hospital, man.
(Cuts to them in front of the hospital parking lot)
J.D.: Ok, we're off the property. Let's talk.
Cabbage: Shouldn't we wait for Gloria?
Gloria: (Still walking from the parking lot) Coming!

Elliot: Why did you come here, Carla?
Carla: You're mad at me? Why didn't you want me to come to your job?
Nurse: Hey, Bankfarter! If you want, we're all going down for lunch?
Elliot: You tell me.

Mr. Thompson: Tell me about your kid.
Jordan: Oh, how'd you know I was a mom?
Mr. Thompson: As a parent myself, I can read the signs, you know? And let us not forget the understated coffee mug we're carrying.
(Jordan looks at her mug, which has a photo of Jack and the words "Jack's Mom.")

Cafeteria Worker: I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough!
Bum: Heh heh, funny! You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was fowl!

I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.


I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud.

Dr. Johnson

Okay, gang, I'll meet you up in Radiology to talk about Mr. Heath's CAT scan. His tumor's getting so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor"!


Elliot: I knew I shouldn't have had that chimichanga! I have to... you know...
Carla: Huh?
Elliot: "Ffft ffft."
Carla: Ohh. Well, go for it. There's mostly guys here - they'll never think it was you.
(Elliot emits a high-pitched sound)
Guy: I think that blonde girl just farted.

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 2 Quotes

Dr. Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
Dr. Cox: No, no. No no no no no no no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!

Jason: Did we do something wrong, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: No, you guys are fine. You're doing a good job.
J.D.'s Narration: Still, good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.
J.D.: You know what, I want the laughter back!