Scrubs Season 2 Episode 18: "My T.C.W." Quotes
Dr. Kelso: Ted, have you noticed how happy the minions are lately?
Ted: I wish I was dead.
Dr. Kelso: Yep. People love working here.
Dr. Cox: As much as it may seem like it, to me personally, I feel desperately compelled to remind you that we are in fact not in prison and am just so not your bitch.
Jordan: Watch your language in front of the baby.
Dr. Cox: You're gonna have to trust me on this one, seems as you're his mother, he's gonna hear that word early, and he's gonna hear it often. Like non-stop.
Dr. Cox: In response to the beastiality rumor circulating about you, I've decided to forego calling you by the usual girl's name and instead I'm going to be referring to you by whatever famous dog I can think of. I've gone with Lassie because of course that satisfies the critera of being both a girl and a dog's name, thus helping you ease into the transition.
J.D.: I was just running kissing drills.
Dr. Cox: That's completely normal then.
Dr. Cox: Word to the wise there, Astro. Sarcasm does not sit well with the big dog, so consider this a warning, because the next time I hear you mumble some snarky little, passive-aggressive snide, I'm going to look into your heart, pick out your biggest insecurity, and shine the world's largest spotlight on it for the remainder of your natural-born days. Now riddle me this Fido, just exactly why does every Asian person that's passing us by in the hallway here keep giving you the old stink eye?
J.D.: Ohh, you're imagining things.
J.D.: Shut up! shut up! shut up! shut up and shut up! Okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do, is just bitch about your relationships, all day long! (To Dr. Cox) And you know what? Glare all you want big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!' That must be so hard for Doctor 'look at me!' isn't it? 'Look at me!' (To Carla and Turk) And you two, what you're arguing since you got engaged, wow you must be the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared. Is it? (To Elliot) And you, you know what? Let's just- let's just forget for one second that a month ago, you told me that you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys, is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are! UGHH!!
Laverne: Did I miss something good?
(J.D. runs kissing drills with Rowdy)
J.D.: How's that?
Turk: You close your eyes way too early. And you always go in right; you should try going in left - the girls'll dig that.
J.D.: Okay. Fo'shizzle. What's up, girl.
Carla: Aw, there's nothing in life that dog could have done to deserve that.
Turk: What you talking about? My man's single, he's just running drills to keep his stuff sharp. That's all.
J.D.: Also, it would be super fantastic if you never mention this to anyone, ever.
Turk: Are you crazy? You know she's gonna say something. We're talking about Carla, here!
Carla: So now I'm a gossip?
Turk: Yeah, you're a gossip! You gossip all the time!
Carla: Since when?
Turk: Since ever-forever!
Elliot: Tonight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.
Paul: You know, Elliot, I would be happy just to have sex above the covers once.
Elliot: Yeah... never gonna happen.
J.D.: You know...he's-he's the same. How are you doing?
Jamie: Actually, I was just calculating how much time I need to spend here so I don't feel guilty all week... And now I need to double it, because I can't believe I just said that.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Carla, would you be good enough to take this young gentleman back to his room in Pediatrics? Apparently as a form of social protest, he chewed on and subsequently swallowed part of a Rolling Stones CD. I'll tell you what, there, Ralphie: They sold out for good once they started doing Ford commercials, you know what I'm saying?
Carla: I dunno.
Dr. Cox: We-we'll talk later.
Ralphie: I had that inside of me.
Laverne: What, now?
Carla: He's just making stuff up. Come on.
Ralphie: I swallowed that ring, and my dad had to wait for me to go Number Two. And the black doctor gave me ten bucks to keep my mouth shut.
Laverne: Mm. Good show today.
Paul: What are you eating?
Elliot: Turkey jerky. Protein, baby! Go for it.
Paul: Uh, no thanks.
Elliot: You don't like jerky?
Paul: I've never tried jerky.
Turk: You've never tried jerky?
Elliot: Well, jerky rocks.
Paul: I won't like it.
Elliot: You'll love it - have one bite.
Paul: Elliot, I've put a lot of thought into this, and I'm gonna have to pass.
Elliot: Uh! Oh, so, eight stitches, and now you don't trust me.
Elliot: And you wanted above-the-covers sex!
Turk: Sorry, buddy, can't swing it tonight.
J.D.: Oh, come on, player, just a few beers! And if we accidentally run into some skanky hos, then so be it!
Jamie: I'll go. I totally need to blow off some steam. Plus, the best way to meet skanky hos is to already have a girl with you.
J.D.: Not that I need any help.