Elliot: I know what you're doing, sir - the whole "keep us scared" thing. Grrrrrr! Heh! I am okay with it.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, even if you hadn't just missed blinding me earlier, I still would've picked you to crap on. See, you're easily startled, you're constantly overwhelmed, and while you work as hard as anyone here, you're still struggling to break into the middle of the pack! I chose you because I am hoping that you will ask yourself - really ask yourself - if there isn't some other profession you might be better suited for. In the meantime, be a doll a re-suture that wound.
Ted: Wanna get a beer later?

Spence: Nothing like drinking cold beers in a jacuzzi, am I right, Ed?
Ed: Hell, some days I just sit out here for hours on end, downing cold one after cold one.
J.D.: What do you do when you have to pee?
Ed: So you boys are doctors, huh?

J.D.: Look Doctor Cox...
Dr. Cox: No you look! If someone had asked me, just this morning is there anyway that I could have less respect for you two geniuses I would have said no, no that's not possibile. But low-and-behold you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh outta blue ribbons so instead you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now go home, you're not fit to work tonight.
Jordan: Great speech. You guys are in trouble!

Janitor: Hey, Foodstamps! Little anonymous donation from a guy who makes a little more scratch than you.
J.D.: You know what? At least what I do matters! Okay? You're cleaning the same spot you were this morning, and the smart money says you'll be cleaning it again tomorrow. So why don't I just come by then, and you can tell me how what you do day after day makes even the slightest bit of difference in this world.
Janitor: Too mean!

Elliot: Oh. Dr. Kelso's been torturing me lately, and I really thought that I could handle it. I mean, after all, I've come a long way... you know. For instance, I used to be afraid of you, and now I can talk to you about anything - like how your hair has been looking particularly springy lately. And not like the season, but more like the inside of a mattress. You know what I mean?
Dr. Cox: I don't have any clue what you mean!

J.D.: Typical Spence. You just blow into town and get us in a bunch of trouble.
Spence: What, I made you guys go out tonight? Hey, I have a venture capital presentation Thursday. Ask me if I want to go out drinking Wednesday night.
J.D. and Turk: You wanna go-
Spence: Sorry, sorry, I can't. I have a presentation. You see, the truth is you guys have been complaining about work since the second I got here, just dying for an excuse to blow it off. So maybe you should stop being all mad at me when really you're just pissed 'cause you hate your jobs.

Ted: Dr. Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described constitutes harassment.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss, eh, Dr. Reid! Well, the next time you decide to make a stink over nothing, maybe you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries to pass the bar exam!
Ted: I have stress-induced dyslexia, and you know that, Dr... Oslek.

Dr. Cox: Why are you doing this?
Jordan: I'll tell you why I'm doing this, Perry. Because we've been dancing the same annoying dance for years now! One of us gets angry and walks away, and the other person's too stubborn to go after them. Before you know it, you're sleeping with some toothpick-size pharmaceutical rep, and I'm trying to convince my mom that the thing in my suitcase is a giant electric melon-baller! Well guess what? Things are different now - we have a kid together. I'm not going home until you promise that you're coming home with me.
Dr. Cox: You go home. I'll meet you there later.
Jordan: Bring dinner.

Spence: Well, I'm sorry you guys can't make the wedding.
J.D.: Yeah, well, give the guys a big kiss for us.
Turk Don't forget to tell 'em that the ferret only eats fresh vegetables.
Spence: I'm gonna miss you guys... Heh heh, I'll see you later.

J.D.'s Narration: Really, all you can hope for is just an occasional thank-you.
J.D.: I'm so glad the medication worked on your foot.
Mr. Graff: So I'm supposed to be happy because someone finally did something right?
J.D.'s Narration: You're welcome.

Ted: Okay, gang! Before we begin, Dr. Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.
Dr. Kelso: "Teensy snafus"?!? Good God, Ted, it's not a Dr. Seuss story! Now, listen up, nametags! Over fifty percent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr. Murphy, whom I recently overheard telling someone, "Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding."

Dr. Cox: Nine pounds in a week!? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that!?! And I know, I know, here I'm supposed to be Dr. Give A Crap, but you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact - you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn'cha!

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Good morning angels. What'd you have? One-too-many daiquiris last night?
J.D.: Spence, this is Doctor Cox and...
Jordan: Don't bother, don't care.
Spencer: Oh oh yeah, right he's the scary man you told me about last night. Hey, congratulations.
Dr. Cox: For what, jackass?
Spencer: You just had a baby.
J.D.: No, no, no, she just had a baby.
Spencer: Yeah but you said it was his. And you said something else...
Turk: That he didn't know it yet.

Jordan: Oh, no... He called you his girlfriend. If I were you, I'd start gathering your tiny panties up, because... I think you're done.
Julie: I'm already bored by you. Perry, I will be in the bedroom; come join me when Tubby leaves.