Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday...

Jordan

Why does your TV smell like doo-doo?

Turk

I pooped in my bed so I put it on the TV.

Jack

Jack: I made poopy in the potty.
Dr. Cox: You know, son, as a doctor I spend a lot of my day dealing with other people's poop, and I'm not going to lie to you, Jackie, it gets old. That's not to say that I haven't enjoyed the last three years of waking up to a fresh brown trout in your Huggies besides you'll be doing the same thing for me some day real soon. Yet, aside from actually seeing you being born and the time Wayne Gretzky said 'what's up' to me in the line at the bank, you being out of diapers is the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. It truly is. Now why don't you go into your room and play for a little while because your mom and I are going to celebrate up here, grown-up style.

Kim: So, Josh, you are suffering from a condition called phimosis. It's basically a hardening of your foreskin. As part of your treatment, I'm going to ask that you masturbate five times a week.
J.D.'s narration: Help the poor kid out...
J.D.: Wow five times a week, huh? For me that would be cutting back!
J.D.'s narration: He said in front of his future girlfriend.
J.D.: You know what? I should probably mosey.

J.D.: I have to get ready man. I want my date with Kim to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach?
Turk: Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday.
J.D.: Yeah but except this time with two horses.

Carla: Huh? Ya like that?
Todd: I felt it move.
Carla: Todd, you're touching your crotch.
Todd: I know, and I'm loving it.

J.D.: You do the Zoom Zoom?
Kim: Of course. I invented the Zoom Zoom.
J.D.'s Narration: Liar!

J.D.: I was going to make you dinner and then go to karaoke but I don't know how to do both the same night...Unless of course...
Elliot: J.D., not floating head doctor.
J.D.: Too late, I'm already there.

J.D.: Two and a half weeks is too long to wait for a third date.
Kim: I'm pregnant.
J.D.: What now?

I hate cleaning up after those messy old queens. Oooh, appletini, when did they start drinking straight guy drinks?

J.D.'s Narration

Dr. Cox: Please forgive me, but since I had a vasectomy last year, nay two vasectomies, I feel... I feel I just have to ask. Did you cheat on me?
Jordan: No. And you know me; I always tell.
Dr. Cox: Ah that's true.

Scrubs Season 5 Quotes

(About Todd giving Turk a betrayal-five) You know, I actually saw that coming.

J.D.

J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited.
J.D.: Oh, I see. Family only, everyone! That's how they're doin' it.
Carla: I'm going.