Dan: You don’t have the money.
Darlene: Well, you know what? I’ll sell my car and I’ll take the bus. I’ll get a second job, I’ll go back to the casino. I will do whatever it takes so that we don’t fall behind again.

Louise: Why didn’t you tell me? We’re a couple now, we’re supposed to be there for one another.
Dan: You’re right. Give me $4,000.
Louise: I don’t have it but I have cleavage and I know how to use it.
Dan: Alright, let’s go. Better to have them and not need them than need them and not have them.

This lack of communication does not bode well for our fake marriage.


Dan: I may be to the point of going to the mall and hurling myself down the escalator.
Louise: Well, there’s nobody in the mall. You’ll lay there for days.

Damn, it just never ends for you guys. One of your ancestors mess with a witch or something?


Darlene: Why aren’t you guys excited?
Harris: Because we’ve been through this before.
Mark: You said we were going to move to Chicago with Ben and that didn’t happen.
Harris: One of you is going to sleep with Dad and screw this up.
Ben: Well, it is kind of my turn.

Ed: What’s a CPAP mask?
Dan: It’s a mask attached to a hose that forces air down my throat so I don’t stop breathing in the middle of the night.
Ed: So you look like Tom Cruise in Top Gun if he was an old man who couldn’t breathe on his own.

Ben, the kids love and respect you which proves that you know nothing about parenting.


Ben: Hey, you’re still gay, right?
Mark: Yup, all day, every day.
Ben: Good for you. You stay the course.

Ben: I know you’re screwed up and I still want to live with you. That makes me even more screwed up so if it fails it will be my fault.
Darlene: That shouldn’t make me feel better but it does.
Ben: That’s because you’re screwed up.

I figured since hot dogs are our family’s main source of food and we regularly have the power turned off that this would be worth learning.


It’s not what you think. Harper has a new boyfriend and wanted to practice kissing. The next thing I knew she went all Twilight on my neck even though she knows I’m team Jacob.


The Conners Quotes

Mark: It's been three weeks since Grannie Rosie's funeral, why are people still giving us casseroles?
Harris: And why do people bring casseroles when somebody dies?

Jackie: What was this, tuna casserole or potato salad?
Darlene: It doesn't matter. It's just stuff and mayonnaise.