Dean Sr: Stu, that was terrible, what makes you think you can do what he does? You're a lawyer, you can't just become an actor.
Dean: It's true, I did go to school for this.

Deb: Did you apologize to your brother yet?
Stewart: I tried, but he was Mitch this morning, and you know Mitch doesn't know who I am, so...
Deb: God that commitment level is
Stewart: Impressive right?
Deb: Pretty impressive.
Stewart: It's amazing.

First my TV brother stabs me in the back and now my real one. I don't know which one hurts worse.

Dean

Dean: It's weird because if he dies, a part of me dies.
Stewart: Yeah, that is very weird.

Dean: What makes the Grinder, the Grinder, is that he never gets by on just being the Grinder, he proves it. Every second, every day, with every decision. Absolute integrity.
Stewart: Well that's a lot of pressure.
Dean: I know, that's why he did heroin that one time.

Stewart: How am I going to trick him into helping me with the mechanic?
Claire: I don't know, how do I trick my dog into going to the vet? It's easy.

Dean: Does this favor in any way involve me using my celebrity for personal gain?
Stewart: Yes, but-
Dean: The answer is yes, I'm afraid my answer is no. I'd like to help but I've left that life behind, and I cannot imagine going back.
Stewart: It's been two days, Dean.

Stewart: You know Dean just because you walk away after you say stuff doesn't mean you made a point.
Dean Sr: But it really does help.

Principal: I still don't understand how you two stealing Mr. Melmant's laptop proves anything.
Dean: Well it proves you need to beef up your school security system.
Principal: Hey if you knew the budget I was working with you would not be making cracks about school security.

Deb: A little dose of failure is not the worst thing in the world. You know, you get scuffed up a little bit, it's life.
Stewart: Oh where'd you learn that, on the wrong side of the tracks?
Deb: Okay, you know what, North Boise has some very rough patches.

Sandy: Shame on you sir for implying that I would compromise the integrity of the theater.
Dean: I'm not implying anything, I'm flat out saying it.

Dean: I was the star quarterback on the school team and the week before the state championship I broke my ankle.
Ethan: In practice?
Dean: No, without going into too much detail I was having sex with the hottest girl in school in her parent's shower and I slipped.

The Grinder Quotes

Dean: Let's say you're in a restaurant and Noah Wyle is two tables down. You go into cardiac arrest, you don't think Noah Wyle could step in and help?
Stewart: Yes he could help, by calling a doctor, because he is an actor.

Stewart: So you're gonna go to law school?
Dean: I don't think I need that, with the show and all.
Stewart: Oh sure, acting on a TV show is the equivalent of going to law school, so why would you need that?