The Office Season 2 Episode 20: "Drug Testing" Quotes
Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I had scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act, this beautiful girl sits down next to me. And I never get to meet girls with lip rings. And she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened, but one of her friends started passing around some stuff. And they said that it was clove cigarettes. And I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.
Michael
Michael: In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby: You can't do that.
Michael: I can test anyone randomly. And I have chosen you, randomly.
Toby: That's not random.
Michael: Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael: Yes, it is.
Toby: No, it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or flavored...
Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, could you take this down?
Oscar went to Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to an United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
Dwight
Ryan: Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urine analysis lab?
Ryan: Yeah. Maybe.
Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Michael: So, you are all going to have a drug test. And I am not.
Dwight: No, you will be tested.
Michael: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight: No, you will be. That is the law, according to the rules.
Michael: OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out.
Dwight: You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: All better.
Michael: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been canceled. Instead I will be going around to each of you, and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight: No, you can't do that.
Michael: I can do that, it's my office, and...
Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and IT HAS TO BE URINE.
Dwight: Do you know what this is?
Phyllis: Yes. It's marijuana.
Dwight: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.
Dwight: Dammit.
And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
Dwight
I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.
Dwight