The Office Season 5 Episode 14: "Lecture Circuit (Part 1)" Quotes
Michael: She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that.
Pam: Okay, lets go.
Michael: I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.
Pam: Yeah, screw 'em. Let's do this.
Pam: Are you asleep?
Michael: No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?
Pam: No, remind me.
Michael: Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small.
I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. "Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center." Juvie. "According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor..." Blah, Blah, Blah.
Dwight
[Andy leans in to kiss Julia]
Julia: Whoa. What the hell?
Andy: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh I, I thought we had this energy. And I'm a mess. And I just had my heart broken. And you came in today and your so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.
Julia: I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard.
Andy: Yeah, right? Wow. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall of something? Just walk around?
Julia: No, I, I don't think so.
Andy: Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. That is the Nard-Dog guarantee.
Julia: What's a "Nard-Dog"?
Andy: [points to self] This is the Nard-Dog.
Michael: I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.
Pam: I like her.
Michael: Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.
Pam: I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came.
Michael: Why?
Pam: Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good.
Creed: This gal, she's really into you?
Andy: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up.
Creed: All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.
Andy: Okay, it sounds risky.
Creed: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Andy: Wait, what?
Pam: So when are you due?
Karen: Uh, in about a month.
Pam: Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations.
Karen: Thank you. It just all happened so fast.
Michael: It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?
Karen: Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me.
Michael: Oh, great.
Michael: I grab this [grabs a chain saw], and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre."
Karen: No that's, that is incredibly dangerous.
Michael: No, don't worry, the chain is off.
Pam: No it's not.
Stanley: Are you out of your damn mind?
Andy: Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her.
Stanley: We're not friends. I didn't think about it.
Andy: We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down.
Stanley: You really like her, huh?
Andy: Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.
Stanley: Give me two clients for her.
Julia: I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget.
Andy: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? [starts singing to the tune of Feist's "1-2-3-4"] One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather...
Stanley: Four Splenda. Are you crazy?
Andy: Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the song goes.
Michael: I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. "M" your name is Mark.
Mark: Yes.
Michael: Got it. It works.
Karen: Uh, it's very insulting.
Michael: But it works.
