What are these, like, mid-thirty year old women doing with a fucking douchebag 24-year-old DJ?


I'm playing at your local Applebee's, come and check me out.


Wedding planner: Have you thought about how you're going to pair everyone?
Tom Schwartz: Make Jax walk with all of the girls he has slept with at once?
Katie: That would be half of my bridal party.
Tom Schwartz: Jax will probably try to sleep with you, just to give you a heads up.

How did we meet? I think we just got drunk and had sex.

Tom Schwartz

I'm worried Katie is going to want a Lisa Vanderpump wedding on a Tom and Katie budget.

Tom Schwartz

You're not Calvin Harris.


Anybody can push play on a laptop, you idiot! It's not even connected to anything.


Maybe one of the reasons that Jax doesn't like James is because he feels like he's looking at himself 10 years ago and he doesn't like what he sees.

Tom Sandoval

I don't feel like I've ever really been able to articulate clearly or express to her how much I die inside when she goes to the dark side. It kills the Schwartz.

Tom Schwartz

I got a marble trash can, and now it's too heavy for me to empty the trash.


I played a little Beyonce and I wound up with a girlfriend.


Misery loves company, but it's really hard to find company when all your friends are so fucking happy.


Vanderpump Rules Quotes

You were my girlfriend, but you were also my enemy,

Tom [to Kristen]

I’ve never had a girl say ‘no’ to me before.