Selina: Dan fucked you?
Amy: Mmm hmmm.
Selina: What? Was he wearing a full-length mirror?

Tom: I love you.
Selina: I love you, too, Tom. Go fuck yourself.
Tom: Selina, I mean it. You're in my head all the time. You always have been, and you always will be. I love you.

Amy, you've got some vomit on your mustache.

Kent

OK. Listen to me. Jonah, if anyone asks, tell them you were chemically castrated. It's very easy to lie about, and believe me, no one checks.

Teddy

Wade: The one thing I learned about hip-hop artists before anyone else is that the artists would sign away the publishing rights for next to nothing. [chuckles]
Selina: [chuckles] That's an incredible anecdote.

I split the bill on all my dates. Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter?

Jonah

Isn't it astounding that the next president of the United States is getting chosen by a closeted ex-music producer?

Selina

What do you know about new media Mike9748@aol.com?

Dan

It's funny that you sprinted around the whole deck just to run into me sight unseen.

Tom

Tom: You really should have been there. You know, it's one thing I've learned. In politics, a lot of the best stuff happens after hours.
Selina: Oh, is that so Captain Morgan? Thank you so much for man-telling me that.
Tom: I believe the word you're fumbling for is mansplaining.

Gary: How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb.
Selina: Is it going to explode between my legs and make me cum until I cry?
Gary: I think it's peppermint.

Kent: She's having a textbook aneurysm.
Gary: She looks like a goddess.

Veep Quotes

Mint! It implies freshness, trust, traditional values.

Jonah

Selina: I could move more air my farting.
Gary: I'm sure you could, ma'am.