Did anybody else look around the house for an old can of paint to slap onto a nearby wall while watching 24: Legacy Season 1 Episode 4?
I figured it would have been a decent competition, with a leg up to paint drying, since it doesn't come with any preconceived notions like terrorists or incredible action sequences.
For all the hype surrounding the return of the franchise and the exemplary cast, 24: Legacy kind of sucks.
I wish there was another way to put it, but none of the stars are being put to good use, and I hope like hell there is an editor to be fired somewhere and writers I normally admire aren't proud of what's airing.
When the very best moment of the hour is a character who is supposed to be intelligent pulling a Dennis the Menace-like behavior, well, there are issues.
John: You know, it struck me how easily you were able to turn against Nilaa without blinking. But it never occurred to me you could so something so terrible.
Henry: Wasn't me.
John: Wasn't you?
Henry: Wasn't me.
That was funny. Wasn't me. Wasn't me. Wasn't me. Nope. Wasn't me. It was not me. I'm not going to admit to it. Ok. Maybe it was me because I'm the last responsible party, and it was about oil.
Good God. That's all they could come up with? Big oil for lives?
Just yuck all around on this one.
Kudos to John for refusing to believe Nilaa had anything to do with what's going down with the terrorists and for sticking to his guns until he had evidence to prove her innocent.
But does anybody believe he'll stick to them long enough to free her with his dad and uncle Luis mere steps away and the words of her freedom dangling on his lips?
I don't. I want to believe John will do the right thing, but that would be too easy only four episodes into what is, so far, a terrible return to the franchise.
Allowing Nilaa to go free and John to be a good guy in all of this would only make things even more boring than they already are.
The best course of action at this point would be for dad and uncle to put the pressure on John so he's left wondering if he would rather be president than ensure Nilaa's safety and that of thousands of others at the hands of the terrorists.
Come on. If terrorists strike and John's in the know, he could come off a hero, ensuring himself the election. Surely that will draw him to the dark side for a minute or two, right?
A brief moment needs to be taken to remember Archie. He was better known as Drew, but his purpose was so wasted, we'll call him whatever the hell we want.
Amira was on screen for reasons unknown, acting as if she wasn't a seasoned terrorist in her own right without an understanding how to kill the poor kid she'd already made a mess of back at the high school.
When his mom told Amira how much Archie thought of her, Amira may (or may not have had) second thoughts about offing him. She may just wanted to say goodbye, as you do, before killing him with a giant syringe.
We may never know or care.
In the "we actually care less about these people" column, Nicole and Aisha had girly issues and some posturing led to Nicole's escape and her with two guns, in the street, aimed at Aisha and her new dude.
Of course, Isaac is pulling off the drug trade of the year with about 487 people surrounding him without a cop in sight. But Nicole escapes a bad sitch and picks up two guns and cops find their way to an otherwise barren street. As they do.
How magician Isaac finagled Nicole out of police custody is unknown, but why we're tortured by having to suffer through their scenes is the bigger mystery.
Ben was also wrangled into police custody and to CTU, where he convinced Eric all the things he did, such as threaten to sell the list to the terrorists, well, he didn't really mean it. Sheesh.
Ben: I never wanted the terrorists to get the list!
Eric: There was an easy way to do that, Ben. Not steal it from me in the first place!
If I wasn't familiar with other work from these producers, I'd swear this material was from an 8th grade writing contest. At best, I'm fairly certain I could write a script and sell it, so I should stop complaining and start writing.
Then again, I'd not want my work to be compared to what's going down on 24: Legacy. Surely the idea isn't to roll your eyes and guess just about every move episodes before it happens.
Is this what Fox thought was coming their way when they gave 24: Legacy the post-Super Bowl berth? I'm guessing not.
And if you guys disagree with me, then say something in the comments. Should I try harder to find someone who truly appreciates the artistic value of this franchise to review it?
What am I missing? What did I miss in this hour that was worthy of a nod of approval?
Hit me up. Give me evidence to the contrary of this review. Or do all involved really deserve better than they're getting?
I you're finally intrigued, you can watch 24: Legacy online to see what this season is all about.
Carissa Pavlica is the managing editor and a staff writer and critic for TV Fanatic. She's a member of the Critic's Choice Association, enjoys mentoring writers, conversing with cats, and passionately discussing the nuances of television and film with anyone who will listen. Follow her on Twitter and email her here at TV Fanatic.