Josh: If you’re teaching a bunch of college students, I don’t think these tweets came from them.
Maggie: How can you tell?
Josh: Uh, you got Twitter for desktop, um this quote from Leslie Stahl, and the lingo, who says razzmatazz. If you ask me, you made one real enemy, and they’re definitely too old to be a student.

Maggie: Hey, what are you doing with that sign?
Man: Maggie Amato’s been canceled.
Maggie: You mean postponed.
Man: No, canceled and not just the show, the person. She’s canceled. Have you read what they’ve been saying about her on Twitter. Who are you?
Maggie: Nobody I guess.

Kelsey: You said this was going to be good for my brand, which is what now, exactly? Some desperate, thirsty Manhattan bulge hunter?
Lauren: Now that actually sounds like a show.

Liza: I just wanted to say thank you, and I don’t know, I wish I understood you better.
Quinn: Hell I don’t. I’ve written two books about me, and I can tell you, bitch is unpredictable.
Liza: No, I’m serious. I want to think that you’ve changed, and Charles obviously does, but you kind of built a trap for me the night of your book launch, and I fell into it. But are you that person or this one?
Quinn: You need to remember you were digging for dirt on me in order to get between me and Charles, so I had to play rough. I knew it didn’t look great, but when it comes to him, I’d rather save my ass than my face. Doesn’t he deserve that?
Liza: Yes.
Quinn: You may not know me, but I know who you are. You’re Maria von Trapp. You’re sweetness and light and pillow fights and guitars, and I am not just that. Whether I like it or not, I’m the baroness, and no one roots for the baroness. What they always forget is the baroness loved the captain. She loved him very much. Good night, Liza.

Cass: I’m afraid the situation is going sideways. We’ve had more tweets.
Maggie: Ooh, your poor little fingers. It must be really hard typing razzmatazz, so many z’s.
Cass: I don’t understand.
Maggie: I know it was you. Groovy, right on, and a quote from Billie Jean King. This was all you. You set me up because you didn’t believe me about Camila.
Cass: Of course I don’t believe you. She gave me a bust of herself last Christmas. Why would you give her another one? You pressured her to send you photos of her bosom. And worse than that, you are damaging these kids with your antiquated views.
Maggie: Me, antiquated? You wear rouge and tell me to pack my velize for Provincetown.
Cass: Well, guess what. You can unpack it because you’re fired. You brought this on yourself. And I don’t blame Camila, poor thing. She’s vulnerable, she’s struggling, and you took advantage. She’s trying to overcome her sexual blocks.
Maggie: Oh, she overcomes them, all right, like the flume ride at Coney Island, like a broken showerhead, like an open fire hydrant in a hot city street.

Quinn: I thought I was so smart bailing early, but maybe you were smarter. You stayed, you did the marriage thing, and you got Caitlin out of the deal. I do a lot of deals, but I don’t have a Caitlin. Probably never will.
Liza: Quinn…
Quinn: Of course, not going through childbirth has certain compensations. Everything down here is exactly the way god and my waxer Fabian made me. See don’t worry. I’m still me. See you later.

Caitlin: What happened?
Liza: He wanted to get married again, and I just didn’t.
Caitlin: Yeah, that’s a fast proposal. Must be an old guy thing. No time to lose before they head toward that light.
Liza: No, he’s just traditional.
Caitlin: Are you OK, mom? I mean you really loved him, and you still have to work with him.
Liza: It’s fine. We’re adults. I guess the only problem is…
Caitlin: Quinn Tyler. Is that Quinn Tyler?
Liza: Uh, right, yep, that is Quinn Tyler.
Caitlin: Have you read her new book? It’s amazing.
Liza: Honey, we published it.
Caitlin: Wait, so you know her? She would know your face?
Liza: Honey, she kinda would.
Caitlin: I gotta meet her. She’s my hero.

Cass: We have to clear up a little problem first.
Maggie: I thought we did.
Cass: Not the boobs, the tweets. Have you seen these?
Maggie: Well, I don’t pay attention to the critics. Not true artist does.
Cass: They’re not critics. They’re students apparently and quite angry. You don’t want effigies burning in the quad. Believe me, they made one of me last year over the tuition increase. Not flattering. I was in a plaid suit.
Maggie: I read one or two of them. They’re completely ridiculous. Inappropriate? How am I inappropriate?
Cass: You got to be careful. These kids are incredibly woke, and your work goes all the way back to the ‘90s. Just think, there could be other skeletons in your closet, and what about the Halloweens?
Maggie: What Halloween?
Cass: There have been a lot of Halloweens. Look, I’m your ally here, but if the students turn on you…
Maggie: It’s one or two tops. Maybe they don’t like Italians. I’m the one who should be angry.

Caitlin: Oh, that’s nice. Charles is doing the publisher thing and walking in with his author. Mom, are Quinn and Charles…
Liza: Yes, they are, uh, dating buddies, and thus, he naturally accompanies her unto gatherings.
Caitlin: She’s his rebound? Oh god, you should have told me. I never would have asked.
Liza: Then you wouldn’t have saved the day, right, and I wanted you to save the day.
Caitlin: I will try to hate her a little for you, but after tonight.
Liza: Don’t hate. I don’t even hate her.
Caitlin: Come on, mom. You’re only human.
Liza: Yeah, a human who needs a drink.

Kelsey: I don’t talk when I look, which may not make very interesting or compelling viewing, which could result in lower ratings, but it’s just me.
Brett: No, no, you’re tender today.
Kelsey: Not at all. I’m just… I know this building, and there’s nothing under $2 million. I threw a party here on the penthouse for my company.
Brett: And your company is important to you, isn't it Kelsey? It’s lonely at the top.
Kelsey: I’m not lonely. I’m extremely popular, and you know what?
Brett: What?
Kelsey: No, no, I’m good. I’m not doing this.
Brett: Well, I may not be able to make all of your dreams come true, but how about this bookshelves? Your love of books is one thing I can satisfy. It’s like it was made for uh, I don’t know, say a young publishing exec who sometimes curls up with a novel to nurse a broken heart.
Kelsey: Hang on.
Brett: That’s one of your books, right?
Kelsey: Is this cut in half? What the hell is this?
Brett: It’s genius, right? You don’t want a big ole bookcase eating up floor space. Solution? Faux.
Kelsey: OK, I’m done. This whole show is insane. You haven’t shown me one apartment I can afford and now this?
Brett: This is aspirational TV. No one in America wants to see what you can afford.
Kelsey: You are just wasting my time, and guys, he’s wasting your time too. And just so you know America, I can do a lot better than a guy who talks about his cats and their many moods in between takes. And speaking of faux, that’s a sock in his pants. Wardrobe told me.

Kelsey: That was fun. My train’s down the corner.
Rob: Greg can take you anywhere you want, home or maybe dinner with a friendly book lover.
Kelsey: You dated Clare.
Rob: We broke up last month.
Kelsey: Oh, a whole 30 days.
Rob: Are you even close with Clare? What’s her last name?
Kelsey: Uh, something Irish, O’something, Mcsomething.
Rob: Oh nope, that’s what I thought. What if I called you tomorrow? Is 31 the magic number? Day 41? I can count really high.
Kelsey: It’s a hard pass. Thank you though.

Brett: Look, you publish fairytales, so why couldn’t this be yours, Princess Kelsey? A castle with a view. From up here, you could spot any dragon-slaying knights.
Kelsey: It’s spectacular, but this princess doesn’t need any rescuing.

Younger Quotes

Charles: That’s why Ian left Empirical. I can’t believe I’m only finding this out now, but I kept away from Judith and her family.
Liza: Are you sure it was the summer of ’94 when Judith climbed the pole? I mean raised the flag?
Charles: Definitely. Topher’s age lines up, and you heard her, she had an affair with a deckhand on a lobster boat.
Liza: But it was a rumor.
Charles: I am the rumor, Liza. I’m his father. Don’t you think he looks like me?
Liza: A little.
Charles: How am I going to explain this to…
Liza: Quinn?
Charles: My girls. I cannot believe that Judith kept this from me.
Liza: You were 20 years old. What do you expect?
Charles: I’m gonna go see Judith tomorrow. Talk about life throwing you curveballs.

It's like Goodnight Moon for adults. With blow jobs!