The Office Season 1 Episode 1: "Pilot" Quotes
My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17 percent, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No no no. It was a young Guatemalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said, "Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?" Wow... wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
Michael
So, uh, have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard, right? Um, I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I am a friend first and a boss second. Probably an entertainer third.
Michael
Michael: Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into jello.
Jim: Okay. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I've always been your biggest flan.
Michael: [laughs] Oh, nice!! That's the way it is around here, just kind of goes round and round and round...
Ryan: [playing along] You should have put him in custardy.
Michael: Oh, hey! Yes! New guy, and he scores!
It's okay here, uh, but people sometimes take advantage, because it's so relaxed. And, I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends, and you cannot screw around there. It's sort of one of the rules.
Dwight
Pam: I was in the meeting with Jan, and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.
Michael: Well, Pam, uh, maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Dwight: Yeah, Pam. Information is power!
Michael: Now I know there are some rumors out there, and I just kinda want to set the record straight...
Dwight: Uh, I'm Assistant Regional Manager, I should know first.
Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono...uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really "incalculcable."
Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, "Bring it on!"
Dwight
Dwight: You can't do that!
Jim: Why not?
Dwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce... an organ.
Jim [crossing his fingers]: We'll see. [to camera] See, this is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.
Dwight: Downsizing?!
Jim: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim: It's not on your desk!
Dwight: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.
Jan: This does however mean that there's going to be downsizing.
Michael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't, uh, wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, Is Josh concerned about downsizing, himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?
Jan: Well, uh...
Michael: Did we get a fax this morning?
Pam: Uh, yeah. The one.
Michael: Why isn't it in my hand? Because the company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't, uh, why didn't I get it?
Pam: You put it in the garbage can that was the special filing cabinet.
