Ray: Good morning, this is Captian Ray Gillette welcoming you aboard from the flight deck. Flight time to Branson is about 3 hours--
Archer: No it isn't!
Ray: Shut up, and in the meantime..

• Permalink: Shut up, and in the meantime..
• Added: February 19, 2015

Cheryl: Let me guess, you're all butthurt because you hired some Pakistani dude to shoot you so you went to Vegas and now you're drunk and broke outside a casino and you want me to wire a $1000 to buy you a plane ticket and a pre-flight whore.
Archer: Ok, I'm gonna list everything you said that's totally wrong. A) I'm not outside a casino so.......

• Permalink: and you want me to wire a $1000 to buy you a plane ticket and a pre-flight whore.
• Added: February 19, 2015

Slater: Hang on, go back. You speak Urdu?
Archer: Huh? Oh, no, no, just that one phrase.
Farouk: The only phrase you know in Urdu is "No shit, you goat-raping pig devil."
Archer: What?! I thought it meant "I'm sorry." Huh, probably why that night in Karachi went from pretty bad to much worse.
Slater: I'm gonna stop you there.
Archer: Probably someone should. There's a baby.

• Permalink: Probably someone should. There's a baby.
• Added: February 13, 2015

Archer: Lana, go. AJ's in good hands. I know what I'm doing. I've read 10 of the Babysitter's Club books.
Lana: Really?
Archer: Yeah, I'm totally a Christie with maybe like a dash of Claudia.

• Permalink: I'm totally a Christie with maybe like a dash of Claudia
• Added: February 13, 2015

Lana: Have you at least babyproofed this place?
Archer: I don't think a baby can hurt anything.

• Permalink: I don't think a baby can hurt anything
• Added: February 13, 2015

Lana, it's cashmere. There are rules. Sorry. I didn't know

• Permalink: Lana, it's cashmere
• Added: February 05, 2015

Archer: Cyril, let's get that sweater vest off buddy
Cyril: I'm sorry?
Archer: I know! Nobody makes you wear them.

• Permalink: I know! Nobody makes you wear them.
• Added: February 05, 2015

Archer: Come on cyborg. RD2 it.
Ray: R2D2 it?
Archer: Yeah, probe around in there and whatever, shut down the tractor beam.
Ray: With what, my dick?
Archer: I....however you normally do it
Ray: I don't normally do it!
Archer: I know but this is an emergency.

• Permalink: Come on Cyborg. R2D2 it.
• Added: February 05, 2015

Cheryl: I have an idea!
Archer: OK wait. Does it have anything to do with our current situation?
Cheryl: Yes!
Archer: OK, what is it?
Cheryl: We are stuck in an elevator?
Cyril: The idea! Not our current situation!

• Permalink: Cheryl: I have an idea!
• Added: February 05, 2015

Lana: Remember when the office shut down and we spent an entire year as coke dealers?
Archer: What, so people just quit?

• Permalink: What, so people just quit?
• Added: February 05, 2015

Well then, it's official. The sweater vest is officially good for nothing.

• Permalink: Well then, it's official. The sweater vest is officially good for nothing.
• Added: February 05, 2015

You're kidding. How either in this universe or either of its infinite parallels could I possibly embarrass you?

• Permalink: How either in this universe or either of its infinite parallels
• Added: January 30, 2015