Scrubs Season 5 Episode 7: "My Way Home" Quotes
J.D.'s Narration: When a career-making opportunity is slipping through their fingers, even a doctor can succumb to one of the basest human impulses.
Turk: You know, I've donated an organ.
J.D.'s Narration: They can lie.
Turk: See, my buddy? He was-he was sick. And so I gave him one of my kidneys.
Mr. Bolger: But my son has only one heart.
Turk: But, uh... a short time after that... I donated my other kidney.
Dr. Cox: Therefore, Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely secondary to gallstones.
Elliot: Wrong-o, Perry! Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely due to type 1 familial hyperlipoproteinemia as demonstrated by the eruptive xanthomas on his achilles tendon!
Interns: Ooooooh!
Dr. Cox: Interns! Flee! Now! Now there is just no way you could have known that off the top of that straw-covered scarecrow head of yours!
Elliot: Ah! Hold on! I need to take a quick mental picture of your total humiliation! Got it.
Dr. Cox: There-there are actually many things in life that I've yet to figure out, like why men wear cellphones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket mere millimeters away. Or why - and I'm not complaining - women wear tube-tops even though every ten seconds it makes them do this: [Grabs at his tee-shirt, as if hiking it up over imaginary breasts] Get back in there! But, of all my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out - and soon - is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they're falling from the sky.
Elliot: Did you...eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: No!
J.D.'s Narration: I shmeared it on a bagel.
Elliot: Okay, rocktors - heh, that's my name for doctors who rock next patient!
J.D.'s Narration: Ever since her fellowship, Elliot loved that her interns saw her as an endocrinology expert.
Male Intern: Dr. Reid, why would Mr. Baum develop new onset diabetes and high blood pressure simultaneously?
Elliot: Well, as an endocrinology expert, heh, in my expert opinion, both can be expertly explained by a pituitary adenoma causing Cushing's syndrome.
Dr. Cox: Hate to burst your bubble, there, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity seeing as it's roughly five times as long as any of your white, pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Carla: See, Turk, I'm great with kids! And I promise, you don't even have to check in as a parent until you have to teach our son about sports.
Turk: And satisfying women. 'Cause I know how to satisfy a woman, right, baby?
Carla: I'm sure you can.
Turk: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedules for next month.
J.D.: Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here.
Dr. Kelso: Ahhh, me neither, son. I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short, calling them all Pepe was apparently just racist enough to get me a life-long ban from the Appalachian Rookie League. Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.
J.D.: Okay, I'm here. What's the emergency, Keith?
Keith: Well, do you want Mr. Fleming on unfractionated or low molecular weight heparin?
J.D.: They're the exact same thing. Every doctor here knows that. Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to. And I know what you're thinking, Dorothy: Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? Well, the real question ought to be, Why when you were an intern did you call me in time after time after time after time! So, now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.
Dr. Cox: So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone?
Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?
Dr. Cox: I have freckles.
Dr Cox: Hey you, Where's my son?
Janitor: Oh, he's playing with the birds out on the ledge.
Carla: What?
Janitor: I'm kidding, come on. He's green.
Laverne: How was the zoo?
Todd: It was awesome! They had lions, tigers, bears, oh, my!
(Doug enters the elevator with a body bag)
J.D.: (In body bag) Can you press lobby, please?
(Doug freaks out and starts hitting J.D. with a fire extinguisher)
J.D.: Doug! Stop hitting me!
(J.D. gets out of the body bag)
J.D.: Doug! Why were you hitting me?
Doug: I thought you were a dead guy coming back to life.
J.D.: Then why were you hitting me!?
Doug: Dead people should be dead!
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.
J.D. Right, and where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud.
J.D.: I'll see you there, playah! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In Hell, watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the super high, unreachable cupcake table.
